So your child came home with a good report card, and you tell them how smart they are. Or, maybe they showed you a picture they drew, and you tell them how artistic they are. Many parents who want to raise a happy kid or a confident kid will regularly give them compliments. That makes sense: You want to build the child up and show them kindness. Words of affirmation are a quick and easy way to do so. Plus, they’re just generally important and meaningful.
Here’s the nuance: Giving children constant praise (especially certain types of adoration, which we’ll explain below) isn’t necessarily the right answer. While it may feel helpful and effective—and while it may be, especially short-term—psychologists agree that the long-term effects don’t look so promising. Philosophers also taught this thousands of years ago, and they had a point.
Stoic philosophy, or Stoicism, is all about making us more resilient, virtuous and wise. While it might sound ancient, you can trust it’s relevant today—and to this topic. Parade asked a psychologist to weigh in on Stoic philosophy, how it pertains to raising kids without constantly praising them and the best way to support them. You may be surprised (and definitely grateful) after reading her insights.
Related: Child Psychologist Says Overpraising Kids Can Backfire—Here’s What To Say Instead
Why Too Much Praise Creates External Validation-Seeking Kids
To be clear, praising your child isn’t inherently a bad thing. What really matters is what the applause looks like.
“When all or most of the praise you give your child is based on something they did, it can cause the child to link your approval to a specific outcome,” explains Dr. Amy Marschall, PsyD, a licensed psychologist and consultant with Mentavi Health who works primarily with children and adolescents (and who majored in philosophy).
This can lead to several concerns, she continues, such as kids having perfectionistic tendencies, basing their value on their productivity or feeling like love and affection must be earned.
Overpraising and praising in the “wrong” ways can become a “praise trap,” too, in which kids are rewarded for things they can’t control. Then, they begin to need praise for specific outcomes.
Additionally, praise can skew a child’s perception and make future tasks more difficult or distressing. Dr. Marschall uses the example of giving a child a worksheet that you think will challenge them, but they actually find easy.
“The adult says something like, ‘Wow, you worked really hard on that! That was a difficult task, and you did it!’” she explains. “Now, the child associates that level of effort with something being difficult, and may struggle more when they are faced with something that actually challenges them.”
Related: Psychologists Are Begging Parents and Grandparents To Give These 10 ‘Growth Mindset’ Compliments to Kids
What Ancient Stoics Got Right About External Validation
Marcus Aurelius was a Stoic philosopher and the author of Meditations. He believed that neither praise nor blame can change something’s true value.
“Everything which is in any way beautiful is beautiful in itself, and terminates in itself, not having praise as part of itself,” he’s quoted as saying. “[What] is beautiful because it is praised, or spoiled by being blamed?”
Like other Stoics, he found that praise had no value.
This connects to more modern psychology, such as the concept of a “fixed mindset” versus a “growth mindset,” and how it can affect a child’s development. Basically, we want kids to keep trying and focus on what they can control.
The Stoics also believe that praise can make a person vulnerable to manipulation and external control, which goes back to the “praise trap” phenomenon.
“Stoicism is the philosophical worldview that we can only control our own thoughts and behaviors, and it is futile to try and control things outside of that,” Dr. Marschall explains. “In the context of praise-seeking, Stoicism would caution against being reliant on praise from others for your sense of self or for positive reinforcement.”
Basically, she continues, if a person’s well-being relies on someone else’s approval, they aren’t in control. Plus, they’re changing who they are to appease someone else.
Related: Long Before Smartphones, Stoic Philosophers Warned About Constant Distraction—Psychologists Say It’s More Relevant Than Ever
Praise the Process, Not the Person: The Stoic Growth Mindset
Philosophers Epictetus and Aurelius had Stoic views that connect with much of today’s modern psychology. Essentially, they encourage focusing on effort, good character and making wise choices.
For example, Marcus Aurelius encouraged people to:
- Ask themselves if what they’re doing or feeling is necessary.
- Remember that it’s not the event that upsets us, but our judgments about it.
- Anticipate annoyances so they can meet them with grace.
- Remember people do “wrong” because they misunderstand, so gently guide them rather than take offense.
Epictetus shared messages like this:
- You must care for your body and mind.
- Everyone has a “role” to play, and they need to focus on “playing” their role.
Sound familiar, perhaps from a parent or therapy session? These beliefs are also found in modern-day therapies. For example, cognitive-behavioral therapy suggests that an activating event leads to a belief, and the belief is what leads to a consequence—much like Aurelius’s assertion. Additionally, dialectical behavior therapy has a skill called “cope ahead,” similar to that third bullet. (Sorry, I’m a therapist!)
More informally, Epictetus’s messages might remind you of buzzwords like “self-care” or the phrase, “Stay in your lane.”
Those messages can be summed up with this key Stoic belief: Develop a positive sense of self outside of external praise. With that said, parents can still praise their kids.
“When it comes to raising kids, though, focusing on effort over outcome can teach kids that they can overcome challenges and do hard things,” Dr. Marschall clarifies. “It focuses on helping them grow rather than praising things that are not in their control, which can improve effort and confidence.”
Applying the Dichotomy of Control to Child Development
The core lesson from Epictetus and Stoics on focusing on what you can control ties in well with child development. Kids can control some things—such as their effort, attitude and virtues—but not other things, such as people’s opinions, winning and grades. It’s important they understand that.
This is the “dichotomy of control.” In therapy sessions, you might have heard this referred to as the “circle of control.”
By helping kids focus on what they can control, they can make productive, meaningful change in their lives without unnecessary worry.
“Children are still learning about what they do and do not control, and we want to teach them that their choices matter without overwhelming them with a sense that everything is their responsibility,” Dr. Marschall says. “Helping them recognize what they have a choice over, and giving them small choices whenever this is possible, can help them develop this skill.”
She shares examples of messages to communicate:
- I can’t control if someone wants to be my friend, but I can control that I use kind words.
- I can’t control if it will rain on my birthday, but I can control my attitude about it.
- I can’t control what grade my teacher will give me, but I can control that I studied and tried my hardest.
“We don’t want to teach the child to suppress their feelings, but help them make choices to regulate in healthy ways,” Dr. Marschall adds.
Related: Quote of the Day: Stoic Philosopher Epictetus on Embracing the Unknown and Letting Go of Control
4 Stoic Strategies To Replace ‘Good Job!’ in Everyday Parenting
Rather than throwing a simple “good job” at your child, Dr. Marschall shares some Stoic-inspired praise strategies.
- Focus on effort over outcome. It’s okay to fall short—trying is most important.
- Emphasize character. Help children learn who they are and what an action or behavior says about their character. For example, continuing to try shows resilience, and helping someone shows kindness.
- Lead with curiosity. Rather than assuming negative intent, ask your child what their thought process was. Their “bad” behavior might have understandable underlying logic.
- Praise their response to difficulty, and be specific. Kids may feel confused when you say “good job” after they didn’t achieve the result they wanted. What can help is pointing out what they did and what it showed, such as resilience or effort, so they know what to keep practicing.
Seneca’s Golden Rule: Balancing High Expectations With Emotional Safety
To really be effective, don’t forget to adhere to Stoic philosopher Seneca’s golden rule: Have high expectations for your kids, and provide emotional safety. That gives them the comfort and confidence to meet your expectations.
In practice, that might look like:
- Showing them how to address problems rather than just “saving” them
- Teaching rather than punishing
- Allowing for a balance of work and relaxation
Essentially, it’s the balance of raising a child who is confident but not arrogant, hardworking but not overworked and comfortable but not spoiled. It’s about helping them learn and encouraging them to try.
Up Next:
Related: Benjamin Franklin Started Every Morning With 1 Question—Psychologists Say He Was Onto Something
Sources:
- Dr. Amy Marschall, PsyD, is a licensed psychologist and consultant with Mentavi Health who works primarily with children and adolescents.
- What Is Stoicism? A Definition & 9 Stoic Exercises To Get You Started, Daily Stoic
- Stoic Parenting: Praise the Process, Immoderate Stoic
- Stoic Parenting: Raising Resilient, Virtuous Kids with Calm and Compassion, The Stoic Handbook
- Control and Choice, Daily Stoic
- How To Raise Your Kids Like Seneca Did, Daily Stoic