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Ask a Therapist is a series of columns offering insights and advice about common psychological concerns. It is not a substitute for seeking professional psychological or medical care.
Grief is a universal human experience. We grieve when we lose something significant to us, such as a loved one, or a meaningful role we held. There is no single or correct way to grieve, and it is not a linear process.
Grief may feel constant, at least initially, and may come in waves. It can include physiological symptoms such as physical aches and pains, and cognitive symptoms such as brain fog, confusion and worry. You may feel overwhelmed and express it outwardly, or you may feel numb and void of emotion.
Because grief can take so many forms, and can be both unrelenting and unpredictable, dealing with it can feel incredibly difficult and unwieldy. Nonetheless, below are some concepts and strategies that may help you cope.
Remind yourself grief is not linear
Research with terminally-ill patients conducted by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross in the late 1960s suggested that there are five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. This research was originally intended to describe the experience of those who are dying, and not people who are grieving the death of a loved one or other kinds of loss. While the five stages are widely known, the research behind them has been misunderstood, leading some people to think they are grieving incorrectly if their experience does not follow a set sequence.
In contrast, the dual-process model of coping from the late 1990s suggests that effective grieving involves oscillation between loss-oriented activities (feeling the pain) and restoration-oriented activities (engaging in life activities). It validates that it is okay and necessary to take breaks from grief, and that rather than grief being a ladder where you climb from one stage to the next, it is a dynamic back-and-forth process with varying degrees of emotional intensity.
While you cannot simply turn off grief, taking breaks from it by putting your attention and energy elsewhere, at least for a short period of time, is a way to adapt and move through the waves of emotion.
Regulate your nervous system
Grief is an unsettling, threatening and often full-body experience. It can turn your life upside-down and cause a state of chronic activation. While grieving, you may experience fatigue, sleep difficulty, brain fog and anxiety. To ease these symptoms, practice exercises that regulate your nervous system and decrease activation and your sense of threat. Techniques you can practice include:
- 5-4-3-2-1 grounding: Look around and name five things you can see, four things you can feel, three things you can hear, two things you can smell (or like the smell of), and one thing you can taste (or like the taste of). This exercise helps you reconnect to your senses and the present moment
- Breathing deeply and slowly: Lengthening your exhale relaxes the nervous system and can decrease tension and other physical symptoms of grief. Practice slowly inhaling to a count of three, and slowly exhaling to a count of six. Breathe deeply into your belly.
- Gently moving your body: Rhythmic low-intensity movement, such as walking, gentle yoga or swimming can help ease the physical weight of grief. You don’t have to engage in higher-intensity movement, which can be difficult when fatigued.
- Using heat or a weighted blanket: Taking a warm shower or bath or using a heavy blanket can also help reduce physiological stimulation. Using these strategies before bed may also make it a bit easier to fall asleep.
- Practising a brain dump: An hour or so before bed, set a timer for five to 10 minutes, write down your thoughts on a piece of paper and then tell yourself, “My thoughts are on the paper, I don’t need to hold them in my head right now. I can look at the paper later if needed.” Consistently doing this “brain dump” exercise can help decrease mental activity that hinders falling and staying asleep.
Make room for grief and take values-based action
It is natural to want the sadness associated with grief to lessen, and you may find that the intensity fluctuates. Yet, focusing on difficult emotions going away can add to distress, particularly when they don’t. Instead, shift to allowing grief emotions to be present without judgment, while reflecting on your values and the types of actions that feel meaningful to you.
Your sense of meaning may be diminished in the face of grief, and engaging in values-based activities can help reconstruct meaning and find ways to move toward it. For example, you could engage in a movement practice, cook a loved one’s favourite recipe to honour connection, or volunteer to support community.
You may ask yourself: “What is one thing I care about that I can honour today, even while feeling this pain?”
Grow around your grief
In the 1990s, Lois Tonkin, a grief counsellor in New Zealand, redefined grief “recovery” from the absence of grief to the expansion of life around it. Instead of thinking you need to “move on” from grief, consider the idea of growing around it. Your grief is present, and over time, your life develops around it as you continue to have more experiences. In this way, grief does not consume or define your entire life.
Jennifer Caspari, PhD, is a registered psychologist in British Columbia. She works at Tall Tree Integrated Health in Vancouver and is the author of You Are More Than Your Body.
