Life can be hard: understatement of the century. Life stinks sometimes, but what sets people apart from each other is how they handle the challenging times. And some people don’t really “handle,” these situations but instead ask themselves, “Why does this always happen to me?”
While it can be really easy to fall into this line of thinking, it might put you into a victim mindset, which is where you believe that “life happens to you and that you have little or no power to change it,” Dr. Kathy McMahon, PsyD, a clinical psychologist, founder of Couples Therapy Inc. and a Certified Gottman Method Therapist, told Parade previously. Even though we don’t have control over outside forces in life, we do have power over how we deal with things, which is why that phrase—“Why does this always happen to me?”—is not helpful.
In a previous article detailing things unhappy people say without realizing it, experts told Parade all about those Debbie Downer phrases that lead to negative thinking and self-talk. And one psychologist gave an alternative thing to think when you feel yourself wanting to say, “Woe is me!” Read on to find out why that negative phrase is so detrimental to your mental health and what you can use instead.
Related: Avoid Using This Phrase That ‘Reinforces a Cycle of Pessimism,’ Psychologists Warn
The Psychological Trap of Asking ‘Why Does This Always Happen to Me?’
Getty Images
As you can imagine, negative thinking can be grating on someone’s self-image, self-confidence and overall opinions of themselves. When you are very critical of yourself and don’t “talk” to your brain kindly, you can start to believe that inner critic. The same toxic things can happen when you start to think pessimistic thoughts, such as “Why does this always happen to me?”
When bad things happen to you—whether they inconvenience you or ruin your day—and you start to believe that it’s inevitable because it always happens, you’re engaging in confirmation bias of your misfortune. It can also contribute to learned helplessness, making you so despondent that you start to think, “Why even try if things are going to end horribly?”
Dr. Patricia Dixon told Parade previously that such negative thinking can really impact your life.
“The language you use shapes your reality, and when you consistently express negative thoughts, they create a mental cage of pessimism,” she said. “This mindset acts as a lens through which you view the world, fostering a lack of hope and a toxic outlook.”
Related: 9 Signs Someone Is a Negative Influence on You, Psychologists Warn
The One Question Psychologists Say You Should Ask Instead
So, what can you ask yourself instead? It turns out it’s actually really easy to reframe “Why me?” into something positive while still being reflective: start asking yourself, “What can I learn from this?”
“This rhetorical question implies victimhood and self-pity,” Dr. Kiki Ramsey told Parade about the phrase “Why does this always happen to me?” at the time. ”It often arises when someone feels singled out by misfortune. Shifting to a phrase like, ‘What can I learn from this?’ can help one focus on growth rather than dwelling on problems.”
Related: People Who Grew up With Super-Negative Parents Often Develop These 12 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
Asking a question like “What can I learn from this?” allows you to have a growth mindset instead of a fixed one. You no longer have to be stuck in this cycle of “Bad things always happen to me” and can break into an upward spiral that can lead to learning and growing.
Maybe you made a decision that led you to that negative situation. Maybe you chose to be friends with or believe in someone who wasn’t worthy of your trust. Whether it was a mistake or just happenstance, a positive phrase that reflects on what you can do differently next time allows you to grow from errors without beating yourself up.
Negativity will always be a poisonous way to think, especially if you’re aiming that vitriol at yourself. Being kind to yourself is a great first step in leading a life you’re happy with and mentally healthy for.
Up Next:
Related: This Phrase Makes You Instantly Approachable, Psychologist Explains
Sources:
- Dr. Kathy McMahon, PsyD, is a clinical psychologist, founder of Couples Therapy Inc. and a Certified Gottman Method Therapist.
- Dr. Kiki Ramsey is a positive psychologist and executive coach.
- Dr. Patricia Dixon is a psychologist.