These 7 ‘Bad’ Habits Actually Signal High Empathy, Psychologist Says

The word “empathy” has become buzzy of late, and psychologists aren’t complaining. Empathy is often praised as a sign of high emotional intelligence and is something that can deepen relationships with friends, colleagues and family members.

In addition to that, it’s also possible to have “high empathy.” But wait—what is that?

“It is conceptualized as having an above-average capacity to pick up on others’ emotions,” Dr. Brandy Smith, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist with Thriveworks, tells Parade. “It can be valuable in noticing when something may be going well or be difficult for someone.”

When you have such a high level of awareness of another person’s needs in a situation, you can give them the attention and care they need.

“It can allow for someone to make a helpful change in a moment, too, that can improve a situation,” she continues.

As valuable as high empathy can be, she shares that it can have its pitfalls, as well. For example, sometimes it can also manifest as certain “bad” habits. But even though these behaviors can be perceived negatively, it doesn’t mean they necessarily cross a line; however, you have to make sure they don’t.

“Having a solid sense of where the ‘healthy’ spot is for habits provides a frame of reference to strive for,” the psychologist says. “It also helps us differentiate when and perhaps how far over that line we are at times. For instance, taking someone into consideration is healthy, but always putting their needs and wants before yours is problematic.”

So, are your “bad” quirks serving you because you’re very compassionate, or are they holding you back? Dr. Smith shares seven “bad” habits that actually signal high empathy (and when they could become problematic).

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7 ‘Bad’ Habits That Signal High Empathy, According to a Psychologist

Plus, Dr. Smith shares how to course-correct if you’re exhibiting these “negative” behaviors.

1. Sensing that something is “off” for someone

It’s helpful to know when someone is acting differently, but we’re not always accurate in determining why something is up. Even people with high empathy aren’t mind readers. The way you react to someone’s different behavior is key here.

“Sensing that something is ‘off,’ and asking about it can be helpful,” Dr. Smith shares. “However, sensing that something is ‘off,’ guessing or assuming what it is and acting as if [your guess] is accurate is problematic.”

Related: 7 Signs You’re Not ‘Too Sensitive’—You’re Actually Highly Perceptive, a Psychologist Says

2. Difficulty appropriately taking yourself into consideration

Dr. Smith says it’s possible to become overly focused on a loved one if you’re highly empathetic and you don’t pause to consider your own needs. However, she says that doesn’t help you or them, and it can tank your well-being.

“It goes back to the sentiment that one cannot pour from an empty cup,” she emphasizes. “The reality is, some self-consideration is needed to keep you healthy enough to be able to be there for others.”

3. Feeling at a high level that a person is going through something

Sometimes, highly empathetic people can feel someone else’s feelings so intensely that it becomes difficult to maintain emotional distance.

“It is a positive to be able to sense what someone else is experiencing,” Dr. Smith states. “The ‘bad habit’ part is not having a healthy emotional distance of knowing this is the other person’s experience and instead experiencing it as if it is your own experience.”

Related: 8 Things ‘Highly Perceptive’ People Instantly Notice About Others, According to a Psychologist

4. Attentiveness to helping “make things better” for someone

It’s caring to want to be a helper, especially when you want your loved one to have good experiences. Yet, Dr. Smith notes that some people with high empathy have difficulty tolerating a loved one’s hard times or emotions.

“Not realizing or accepting that tough emotions and hardships are [normal] and healthy to learn to navigate is problematic,” she reports. “Not purposefully causing pain is appropriate, but being a zealot about ‘making things better’ goes into toxic positivity territory.”

5. Efforts to please/be agreeable

Highly empathetic people can be natural diplomats and peacekeepers, but this habit can also veer into “problem” zones.

“Sometimes, high empathy leads the person to want to be overly pleasing or agreeable to keep peace,” Dr. Smith notes. “Again, being considerate of others and being pleasing or agreeing to something is OK.”

She shares that this habit becomes concerning if it becomes compulsive.

Related: 7 Behaviors That People-Pleasers Don’t Even Realize They’re Doing, a Psychotherapist Warns

6. A disproportionate sense of being able to exert control

Dr. Smith shares that highly empathetic people can overstimate their impact. They may think, “If I just do X, this difficult situation will get better.” She’s also seen major empaths go so far as to say, “If I can just do Y, I will completely prevent this from happening.”

“Being aware that you have an impact is appropriate, but the notion of having an unrealistically high expectation of being able to control is problematic,” she shares.

7. Over-analyzing experiences

Dr. Smith notes that this habit can involve looking for signs of the impact you have on others. Sometimes it’s appropriate, like when you notice your tone with a colleague yesterday was a bit harsh, and they’ve been acting distant ever since. Addressing it can repair your relationship. But Dr. Smith shares that people can overanalyze everything they say and do.

“It can go into a ruminative cycle that involves too much rehashing, which is not taking you anywhere helpful,” she notes.

Related: How To Stop Worrying That Someone Is Mad at You, According to a Psychologist

Why These Habits Form

Highly empathetic people can develop habits like overanalyzing situations and thinking they can prevent hard things and emotions for many reasons, including devastating events. In fact, Dr. Smith shares that some people can become very compassionate like this—and display some of these behaviors—because they had traumatic experiences as children.

“In these situations, being highly attuned to someone else’s state can help them protect themselves better,” the psychologist explains.

For others, these “bad” habits could just be innate. Still, some people become highly sympathetic through “nurture.”

“Others have high empathy from being taught about empathy and consideration of others,” she says. “They practiced those ways and received reinforcement for being empathic.”

Related: 9 Unique Traits of Adults Who Were Shamed as Kids, According to Child Psychologists

When Some of These Habits Become Problematic

Here are a few examples of scenarios to watch out for.

You can’t pause to consider your needs

You may roll your eyes at the “oxygen mask” and “empty cup” analogies, but they do carry weight.

“Caring about others is important, but if a person is so focused on others that they are not pausing to take their own needs and wants into consideration, it is a problem,” Dr. Smith explains. “One way to make sure you are staying within moderation is to pause to consider what others and yourself may need and want, rather than only focusing on others all the time.”

You struggle to keep a healthy emotional distance from others  

You are not a sponge, and it is not your job to absorb someone else’s “stuff.” In fact, Dr. Smith shares that taking on other people’s problems isn’t a sign of caring for them or yourself. Instead, she says it’s a red flag that you could use some support in establishing boundaries.

“Caring about others is appropriate and within bounds, but when you are consumed by others’ experiences like they are your own and like it is your responsibility, that is problematic,” she states.

A therapist can help you work on boundaries and the guilt you may experience when you try to set them.

Related: 11 Boundaries Every Woman Should Set by 40, According to Therapists

You try to “prevent” others from experiencing difficult emotions

Dr. Smith points out that experiencing a full range of emotions is just part of being human.

“Sometimes a loved one wants to ‘take away’ anything difficult or distressing for their loved ones,” she points out. “When they sense the loved one is experiencing that, they go into ‘fix it’ mode of working to ‘take it away.” That is not possible, nor is it healthy.”

She shares that it’s important for highly empathetic types to find ways to tolerate difficult experiences and emotions, and that it’s OK to do so. Showing up as a listening ear when someone you love is struggling (if you can) is enough.

Related: The Main Texting Habit That Ruins Relationships, According to a Harvard-Trained Psychologist

Final Takeaways

People with high empathy have an above-par ability to notice others’ emotions. If you’re highly empathetic, this quality can help you read the room and support loved ones. However, it’s possible to develop some “bad habits.”

• Highly empathetic people have certain habits. They may play peacekeeper, try to fix others’ problems (or save them from tough emotions), and feel others’ feelings intensely.
• Habits form for many reasons. Some people are naturally highly empathetic, while others develop certain habits from childhood experiences or lessons learned over the years.
• These habits aren’t always “bad.” It’s OK to care about others or to notice if you made someone upset, even if you use an over-the-top, harsh tone. However, Dr. Smith shares that when you become overly focused on preventing another person from experiencing a full range of emotions or on preventing boundary encroachment, it can be detrimental to your well-being.

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Related: These 7 ‘Annoying’ Habits Actually Signal Intelligence, Psychologist Says

Source:

• Dr. Brandy Smith, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist with Thriveworks.