The days were long, the years were short, and now—somehow–your little baby has kids of their own. You may have long waited and hoped to become a grandparent, or perhaps you thought this day would never come. Either way, transitioning into one is a development that many child psychologists agree we don’t pay enough attention to.
“Becoming a grandparent is a significant identity shift for the grandparent and the parents,” Dr. Gina Radice-Vella, Psy.D., the chief psychologist at Jersey Shore University Medical Center, tells Parade. “Being a grandparent offers the opportunity to develop a unique relationship with a grandchild—a relationship that is primarily focused on love, support and adoration.”
Yet, the role of “grandma” or “grandpa” isn’t all sunshine, rainbows and butterscotch candies. The identity shift also comes with a changing hierarchy. Notably, your adult child (and their partner, if they have one) is now the leader of their own household. Dr. Radice-Vella shares that this change can become difficult for grandparents to navigate right away or over time. Yet, learning how to do so is worthwhile because child psychologists say it lets you (and the child’s parents) create a healthy, supportive and trusting family structure that everyone can always count on.
“Consistency is important, as it creates a strong and established foundation that both children and adults begin to trust and look to for order, structure and routine—factors that help developing children thrive,” she states.
To create this type of environment for the whole family, child psychologists say it’s important for grandparents to break or avoid certain bad habits, especially one. Four child psychologists say that this habit is the one thing they wish grandparents would stop doing, and what to do instead.
Related: 7 Phrases Grandparents Should Avoid To Foster Better Relationships With Grandkids, Psychologist Says
What 4 Child Psychologists Wish More Grandparents Would Stop Doing
Child psychologists are begging grandparents to stop undermining parents.
“It can be easy for grandparents to dismiss today’s parents’ rules and boundaries, as these often look much different than the parenting advice and guidelines they had when they entered parenthood,” Dr. Radice-Vella says.
Often, contemporary advice on everything from what makes a nutritious breakfast to when it’s safe for a child to ride shotgun is met with “I did it this way, and you turned out fine.”
“This line of thinking often drives disconnection between grandparents and parents,” she warns.
Dr. Ioana Pal, Psy.D., a licensed clinical psychologist at Stramski Children’s Development Center at Miller Children’s & Women’s Hospital, says that common ways grandparents undermine parents include:
- Contradicting parents in front of children
- Ignoring household rules
- “Rescuing” children from consequences
- Pressuring parents to use outdated parenting methods
- Triangulating (forming alliances with grandchildren against parents)
Dr. Pal says that conflict surges when grandparents become too intrusive or dismissive of parents’ boundaries—and grandkids lose out.
“Children function better or best when generational roles are clear,” she explains. “Parents need to remain the primary attachment and decision-making authority, unless it is unsafe or there are other reasons for grandparents to take more of a primary role. Grandparents tend to function best as supportive but secondary attachment figures.”
She says that grandkids experience loyalty conflicts, emotional splitting and confusion when grandparents overstep. Other psychologists agree.
“It creates confusion for everyone,” says Dr. Cameron Caswell, Ph.D., an adolescent psychologist and host of the podcast, Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam. “Teens don’t know which adults to listen to or which rules actually matter. Parents feel disrespected and unsupported. And what starts as a small moment of saying yes when a parent says no can build into a bigger conflict over time.”
Dr. Holly Schiff, Psy.D., a licensed clinical psychologist, says it also undermines the parent-child relationship and creates a “good cop, bad cop” dynamic.
“If a child repeatedly sees a grandparent dismiss or contradict a parent’s rules, they may begin to view the parent as overly strict, unreasonable or less authoritative,” Dr. Schiff notes. “Kids may learn to ‘split’ adults because they are very perceptive.”
In other words, the kid may go to the adult who will give them the answer they want.
Of course, there are times when grandparents should undermine parents.
“When a child is in immediate danger, there’s a medical emergency or a parent can’t be reached and a decision has to be made,” Dr. Caswell states. “Everything else, including rules that feel too strict, too lenient or just different from how you would have done it, is a conversation to have with the parent privately, not a call to make on your own.”
Related: We Asked 4 Child Psychologists What They Wish More Grandparents Prioritized—They All Said the Same Thing
3 Expert-Backed Things To Do Instead
1. Ask before you assume
The idea that “it’s better to ask for forgiveness than permission” generally doesn’t hold when a grandparent decides to contradict a parent. Dr. Caswell shares that there’s a good reason that parenting looks different today.
“We know so much more now about child development and long-term impacts than we did a generation ago,” she notes. “Different doesn’t mean wrong. Before stepping in to correct or override, try asking your adult child why they’re making the choices they’re making. You might be surprised by the answer.”
The conversation can prevent you from having to grovel for forgiveness.
2. Support your grandchild without undermining their parent
Grandparents can be trusted confidants for their grandchildren—that’s a great thing. Sometimes, though, a grandchild may confide that they’re upset with their parent. Dr. Caswell suggests sitting with a frustrated grandchild and saying something like, “I know it can be really upsetting when you don’t understand or agree with your parent’s decision. I’m here if you want to vent.”
“That does two things: It tells your grandchild they matter— their feelings count—and it keeps the parent’s authority intact without making them the bad guy,” she explains.
3. Find other ways to bond
Dr. Caswell emphasizes that it’s absolutely possible to have a strong connection with a grandchildwithout damaging their bond with the child’s parents. She suggests:
- Cooking together
- Telling them stories about you when you are their age
- Ask them to teach you about the things they love
“Your time, your stories and the fact that you love them without an agenda are more than enough,” the psychologist stresses.
Related:The #1 Mistake Parents and Grandparents Should Avoid Making With Their Kids, According to a Psychologist
5 Other Behaviors To Stop Doing
1. Offering unsolicited advice to parents
Though often doled out with the best of intentions, Dr. Radice-Vella warns that offering unsolicited advice can undermine a parent’s confidence, create defensiveness and trigger resentment. As a result, parents may become less likely to ask for your help when they need it—to their detriment (and your grandkids).
“Rather than offering your opinion, listen with empathy and validate what they are going through,” she says. “Also, offer compliments and praise when you see them navigate a difficult situation. Try saying, ‘You are navigating this tough stage so well, and I’m really proud of you.'”
2. Avoid making comparisons
You may have other grandchildren or regularly hang out with Jenny from down the block’s grandkids, who began talking at 3 days old. Sharing comparisons does not scream, “I’m caring.”
“Comparing the child to other children, or even how their own parents behaved at that age, can lead to an unnecessary and negative pressure, leading to parental anxiety or feelings of inadequacy,” Dr. Radice-Vella points out. “Instead, focus on the child’s strengths and unique developmental progression without comparing it to other children.”
3. Judging or criticizing grandkids for their choices
Dr. Caswell doubles down on the fact that the world is much different today than it was when you were a child or a teen.
“That doesn’t make it bad or wrong, just different,” she notes. “When grandparents comment on clothing choices, haircuts or the way they talk, kids don’t hear feedback. They hear someone who is out of touch and not fun to be around.”
She advises grandparents to get curious instead.
“Ask them about what they love and why,” she recommends. “Relish the fact that there are still a lot of things left for you to learn about.”
4. Spare grandkids the guilt trip
Dr. Schiff points out that grandparents often do this one to try to force closeness or attention. Common guilt-tripping phrases include “You never visit me anymore” or “I could die tomorrow.”
“These statements… can place inappropriate emotional pressure on children and adult children alike,” the psychologist warns. “While these comments may come from loneliness or sadness, they can create obligation-based relationships rather than healthy emotional connections.”
She suggests grandparents communicate their needs directly and with warmth. Think like, “I miss spending time with you and would love to plan something together.”
“Phrases like this one encourage connection without emotional manipulation or guilt,” she says.
5. Don’t arrive without notice
Dr. Radice-Vella says grandparents usually arrive unannounced because they want to see their grandchildren. As well-intentioned as it may be, she warns that parents often find it highly disruptive.
“It can interrupt a much-needed nap—for baby or parent—derail plans, or simply add stress to an already chaotic day,” she notes.
Word to the wise: Always call or text to see if it’s a good time. Dr. Radice-Vella suggests something like, “I’m thinking of you all! Any chance I could pop over for a quick visit this afternoon?”
Related: 9 Things ‘Slow-Living’ Grandparents Do Differently, According to Child Psychologists
Final Takeaways
Grandparents can play a vital role in grandchildren’s lives. Like parenting, though, grandparenting doesn’t come with a handbook. Still, there are some “unspoken rules” that child psychologists believe are worth talking about. Here’s what to keep in mind:
- Child psychologists wish grandparents would stop undermining parents. It can create confusion and frustration for everyone. Grandchildren may become confused about who to stay loyal to (the grandparent or the parent). When grandparents undermine parents, it can even inspire “manipulation tactics,” such as going to the good cop (the grandparent) who will give them the answer they want.
- There are ways to support your grandchild without undermining the parents. For instance, you can sit with them in their frustration and offer a listening ear.
- Other bad habits can also damage grandparent-grandchild relationships. Child psychologists advise against judging a grandchild’s choices (such as haircuts), comparing them to other kids and offering unsolicited advice to the parents.
Up Next:
Related: Child Psychologists Are Begging Parents and Grandparents to Never Turn a Blind Eye to These 10 Emotional Reflexes
Sources:
- Dr. Gina Radice-Vella, Psy.D., is the chief psychologist at Jersey Shore University Medical Center.
- Dr. Ioana Pal, Psy.D., is a licensed clinical psychologist at Stramski Children’s Development Center at Miller Children’s & Women’s Hospital.
- Dr. Cameron Caswell, Ph.D., is an adolescent psychologist and host of the podcast Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam.
- Dr. Holly Schiff, Psy.D., is a licensed clinical psychologist.
