What should you say to teens feeling pressured to fit in? | Canada Voices

When I was in my teens, there was a girl at my high school who didn’t look “normal,” and she was bullied because of it. I remember throwing crumpled paper balls at her during class. It was what other kids were doing, and I wanted to fit in.

Years later, I found out that she had had cancer, and I carry guilt for how I behaved. I have other memories of doing things I shouldn’t have for the sake of fitting in. We used to go, as a large group, to 7-Eleven during lunch and rush the store. Most kids would steal something, and I wanted to be cool like them, so I stuffed an overly large chocolate bar in my jeans and was caught.

That was in the late eighties and early nineties, but unlike baggy cargo pants or claw clips, the pressure teens feel to fit in with their peers is timeless. If anything, with the reality of social media, the pressure is more intense than ever.

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As a father of teenagers, I have seen this firsthand. And as a writer visiting schools across Canada, I see it in every classroom or assembly I speak in. I’ve watched a student, clearly uncomfortable, get egged on by classmates to start a fight with another student – one that was thankfully broken up by teachers. I’ve listened to kids who are struggling with their mental health but haven’t spoken about it to anybody because they don’t think it’s socially acceptable to ask for help. I’ve seen high schoolers vaping in the field during a break in class and wondered if they actually want to do it or just feel like they should do it.

What makes instances like this concerning is that by trying to conform to social norms or expectations, kids end up causing damage, either to themselves or others.

Two teachings – honesty and respect – have helped me understand how to navigate the teenage pressure to conform, and I think this perspective can be helpful to other parents as well. Over the years, I’ve had countless conversations with youth about this. If I were to provide a distillation of those conversations, they go something like this: “You don’t need to be somebody you’re not. Surround yourself with people who accept you for who you are, because if they don’t, those aren’t your real friends. And accept others for who they are, too.”

Why honesty can help teens avoid social pressure

Teens are surrounded by expectations: how they should look, speak, dress, or act. The cost of fitting in is becoming more like everyone else, even if it is at the expense of hiding parts of who they really are.

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This is where honesty comes in. Honesty is one of the seven sacred Anishinaabe teachings about how to live a good life. It is represented by a being called Sabe, similar to Big Foot, in Anishinaabemowin. Honesty, in this framework, does not mean telling the truth, as in, do not lie. (Although, of course, that’s also an important practice.) It refers to how we need to be honest with ourselves. Feeling strong in our identity means that we do not compromise who we are for anybody else. This also means that the people who are in your life are there without reservation – not because of who you are trying to be, but because of who you are.

I try to model this behaviour in my own life. For example, when I’m asked to do public speaking, I come as my authentic self. The person the audience meets is the same person my friends and family know – how I talk, how I dress, how I interact doesn’t change. I’ve spoken to rooms full of suited-up lawyers wearing my favourite jeans and a sweatshirt, and I don’t use a PowerPoint presentation because I want to engage naturally.

Why respect is equally important

Honesty is an internal practice. Respect is an external one. If we are learning to accept who we are, we must also offer that same acceptance to the people around us. Respect asks us to allow others the same freedom to be authentic that we want for ourselves.

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A colonial mindset teaches that there is only one “right” way to live. Sometimes this pressure isn’t spoken out loud. It lives in the subtle ways people are excluded, teased or told they are “different.” Respect challenges that idea. It reminds us that community isn’t built through sameness. It’s built through acceptance of diversity. That diversity makes us stronger. We learn from each other and walk together, but we are not meant to conform to one another.

We face this pressure as adults (I just bought cargo pants, but they are not baggy), but kids face it in a much more profound way. They are constantly surrounded by signals about what is “normal” or acceptable – expectations that come from peers, social media, and the fear of being excluded. Over time, that pressure can shape their self-confidence, their self-worth, and their ability to move forward in life.

As parents, if we model the teachings of honesty and respect, we give our teens permission to value who they are and extend that same acceptance to others. I think often about the girl I threw paper at in class. If we want something better for our teens today, it starts with teaching and showing them that they never need to become someone else to belong.

David A. Robertson is a two-time Governor-General’s Literary Award winner and has won the TD Canadian Children’s Literature Award and the Writers’ Union of Canada Freedom to Read Award. He is a member of Norway House Cree Nation and lives in Winnipeg.