Having children is one of the most rewarding things you can do. However, there are so many impulsive things parents feel when their child is hurt or upset that actually hinder growth. And while it can be hard to be rational in moments like these, it’s important to remember some key strategies in getting your child out of a funk and building their confidence appropriately.
Recently, Parade spoke with Dr. Becky Kennedy—CEO and founder of Good Inside—about the new partnership between Carter’s and Good Inside called the Childhood Confidence Project. It aims to help parents gain the resources they need to help their kids build confidence (and sustain it) “in an age of comparison.” They’re unlocking Good Inside’s Confidence Program for free as well as offering three months free of Good Inside’s regular membership for a limited time.
Confidence in kids is a really important concept for Dr. Becky, which is what she’s known as on Instagram, where she has 3.5 million followers. She wants parents to reframe how they think about it, saying they should think of it as self-trust more than anything.
The clinical psychologist and mom of three has made a name for herself by posting parenting advice online that is both helpful and unique. She started out practicing a “popular behavior-first, reward-and-punishment model of parent coaching,” but now goes against the grain of what parents are usually told with methods that benefit both parents and children.
With that in mind, she shares what parents can immediately do if they notice their child’s confidence deflating, and how to show up for them.
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Why Traditional Confidence Advice Backfires on Kids
Dr. Becky absolutely understands that in situations where your child looks like they’re losing confidence or is saying disparaging things about themselves, it can be really hard for a parent to not want to immediately remedy the situation. However, that common response is not going to build self-assurance in your child.
“I think we operate with the idea of, when our kid is in that moment, confidence is bringing them out of the moment. It’s not,” she states. “Again, it’s not pushing them further down into the moment either. But actually, confidence is like being with them in the moment.”
In the same interview, Dr. Becky told Parade that parents should move away from outdated advice regarding confidence in kids that emphasizes that parents’ main job is to make their children happy, and that’s it.
“What we end up doing if we try to make our kid happy in childhood is we end up optimizing for fragility and anxiety in adulthood, because childhood is really about what range of situations can I watch myself tolerate and cope with and get through?” she shares.
She advises parents to equip their kids with the tools and mindsets to “feel like it’s okay to be them” and to handle “the widest range” of emotions. Dr. Becky stresses that parents should adopt the mindset that they want to “prepare our kid for the road, not prepare the road for our kid.”
If kids aren’t challenged to face failure head-on or sit in discomfort, then they may not ever try new things or put themselves out there in new ways, for fear of failure or rejection. Helping kids ready themselves for all the world has to offer them—the good and the bad—gives them the best chance at becoming confident, resilient people.
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What Dr. Becky Kennedy Says About Childhood Confidence
When we asked Dr. Becky about her advice to parents who want action items they can implement immediately if they have a child who is struggling with negative self-talk or low self-worth, she shared a wonderful metaphor for building confidence. And it really just involves being there for your child and supporting them in their big feelings.
“I always think about a kid on a bench,” she tells Parade. “Like, let’s say I’m there on the bench of ‘I don’t feel good at something.’ They’re on the bench of ‘I feel left out.’ They’re going to be on those benches forever. The only thing that makes those benches easier is that we kind of remember someone was there with us. We weren’t so alone.”
She says that kids will remember a parent “sitting” with them in those dark moments, making it less scary because they’ll think, “My parent was less scared of it than I was.” And if that’s the case, then they can face it, right?
In terms of what that looks like in practice, Dr. Becky states that you have to help your child avoid catastrophizing something, turning it from a massive monster problem into a manageable one.
“One big theme I want to say when kids say things like that is try to go from global to specific,” she shares. “Intense feelings lead to intense words. Often when our kid says, ‘I’m so stupid,’ they’re actually just facing a really hard math sheet, like, that’s what it’s about. It’s not so global, and so we can stay on that bench with them by just saying, ‘Hold on, what happened today? Tell me about today. Oh, what’s going on when you’re doing math? Tell me about this problem.’”
This framing helps build a child’s confidence because you’re telling them—without actually outright saying it—that this world-ending problem is actually tamable and something they can overcome.
Another issue might be your child feeling lame and really upset that everyone is going to a concert that they don’t have tickets for. Dr. Becky says the “confidence won’t come from you immediately getting them a ticket,” or telling them they shouldn’t care what everyone else is doing. Instead, you need to sit with them in their feels.
“Sitting on the bench might just be saying, ‘That stinks. I get that. I’d be upset about that too,’” she says. “I’m communicating something huge. ‘Wait. My parent would be upset, but my parent is like a really capable, awesome person. So maybe it’s okay to be upset. Maybe that doesn’t mean I have to lose myself.’ And so sometimes the simplest things can have the most positive impact.”
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How To ‘Sit With’ Your Child’s Deflated Confidence
So again, “sitting” with your child on this bench of FOMO, deflation or depression is pretty much what it sounds like. Sometimes the best support is validating someone’s feelings and reminding them that you’re there for them.
“I don’t have to pull them off the bench,” Dr. Becky says. “I also don’t have to insinuate that this bench is going to collapse into this: ‘Oh my God, you’re right. You’re not going to the concert. You’re a loser. Oh my God, you’re right. You’re so stupid at math.’ I don’t say that; [that] would be so weird.”
The psychologist says that there’s a great place in the middle of trying to fix something and doom-spiraling with them.
“No, there’s actually this middle ground, which is like, ‘I’m just kind of there with you.’ That’s actually going to build their confidence because you’re planting the seed for them,” she explains. “‘You’re the kind of kid who can have this happen.’ And it’d still be, ‘It’s still okay being you. I still like you, see, I’m willing to… I’m going to be with you in this.’ That’s the thing they’re going to really remember.”
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Source:
Courtesy Good Inside
- Dr. Becky Kennedy, known to millions as Dr. Becky, is a clinical psychologist, mom of three, as well as the founder and CEO of Good Inside, a parenting support ecosystem. Through her app, New York Times bestselling books, viral social media presence and chart-topping podcast, she has inspired a generation of cycle-breakers to join a parenting revolution, helping them become sturdy, confident leaders so they can raise sturdy, confident kids.