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Ask a Child Psychologist offers insights and advice on navigating youth emotional and mental well–being. It is not a substitute for professional psychological or medical advice.
With the school year starting, I’ve decided to devote this month’s column to answering another reader question, this time about a common irritant for many families: homework. I suspect this question resonates with many parents these days, who seem to be carrying enormous uncertainty about motivation, independence and responsibility during adolescence.
The reader shared that he and his wife were gifted students who didn’t need parental supervision to get their school work done. Their 13-year-old twin sons, however, are completely different. “They say things like ‘education doesn’t matter’ and ‘studying is for nerds,’” wrote the reader, adding that, if they don’t oversee their children’s work, it doesn’t get done or gets done poorly. “They are lazy and careless. How can we get them to understand that education is important? How can we get them to take over responsibility for their school work?”
For parents who remember being highly self-motivated students requiring little supervision, it can feel deeply frustrating and, at times, frightening when their own children seem disengaged from school and resistant to academic responsibility.
While it’s understandable for parents to compare their children to themselves at the same age, it’s important to acknowledge that today’s adolescents are growing up in a very different environment. Previous generations did not have to navigate constant digital stimulation, smartphones, social media, online gaming or the endless stream of distractions competing for young people’s attention and motivation – even as academic pressure has increased.
We need to be cautious about applying yesterday’s developmental expectations to today’s environment given how profoundly childhood and adolescence have changed.
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Responsibility is developmental
It’s also important for parents to understand how children develop responsibility. One of the biggest misconceptions about adolescence is the idea that responsibility should suddenly emerge sometime around middle school. In reality, the skills required for independent learning – planning, organization, time management, frustration tolerance and task initiation – are all part of what psychologists refer to as executive functioning. These skills develop gradually over many years and are closely tied to the maturation of the brain’s prefrontal cortex, which continues developing well into early adulthood.
Some children acquire these skills relatively naturally. Others require much more direct modeling, coaching and structure. This does not necessarily mean they are lazy or incapable. Often, it means they are still developing the internal systems needed to manage increasingly complex academic demands.
Developmental psychologist Lev Vygotsky described learning as occurring most effectively within what he called the “zone of proximal development” – the space between what a child can do independently and what they can accomplish with support. Effective parenting often operates within this zone: not doing everything for children, but also not expecting them to manage entirely alone before they are ready.
When failure stops being helpful
Another misconception is that adolescents simply need to “learn the hard way.” While some failure can build resilience, repeated unmanaged academic failure can also lead to discouragement, shame and disengagement. Children who repeatedly feel unsuccessful sometimes begin protecting themselves emotionally by convincing themselves that school does not matter.
Statements such as “education is for nerds” may partly reflect adolescent bravado, but they can also function as emotional self-protection. It is often easier for young people to dismiss something than to risk feeling inadequate at it.
My child holds it together at school but falls apart at home. What should I do?
The goal is supported independence
In many ways, parenting adolescents resembles teaching someone to drive. We would never hand a teenager car keys without instruction and simply hope failure teaches them what they need to know. Instead, we coach, supervise, model and gradually transfer responsibility over time.
Ultimately, the goal of parenting is not to prove that a child can manage adulthood prematurely. The goal is to help young people gradually develop the tools they need to succeed independently over time – so that when they eventually step out on their own, they do so with as many opportunities and options still intact as possible.
Five ways to help build academic responsibility
1. Teach the process, don’t just demand the outcome
Many adolescents need explicit help learning how to break down assignments, estimate how much time it will take to complete tasks, keep track of deadlines, prioritize responsibilities and begin work they find unpleasant or overwhelming.
2. Provide structure without taking over
Consistent homework routines, reducing distractions and checking in regularly can provide the scaffolding children need to gradually internalize better habits themselves.
3. Focus on effort, persistence and growth
Research on self-efficacy consistently shows that children become more motivated when they begin experiencing themselves as capable and competent.
4. Stay connected while holding expectations
Adolescents generally respond better to coaching than to chronic criticism, lectures or shame. Children are often more receptive when parents communicate: “I believe you can do this, and I’m here to help you learn how.”
5. Keep the long view in mind
The goal is not to prove that a 13 year old can function independently today. The goal is to help young people gradually develop the skills, habits and confidence they will need as adulthood approaches.
Dr. Jillian Roberts is a practising registered psychologist in British Columbia, Alberta, Ontario, Yukon and the Northwest Territories. She is also a research professor of educational psychology at the University of Victoria. She specializes in child and adolescent development, family therapy and inclusive education.