7 extremely Canadian dating struggles every single girl in the Great White North will know, Life in canada

Moving to Toronto or Vancouver — and realizing it’s actually worse

Let’s myth-bust the Sex and the City narrative that love can be found in the biggest cities. Fun (depressing) fact: New York was actually voted the #1 worst city for dating in the USA, even though it has the highest number of singles.

Key word being “singles”.

90’s babies have been personally victimized by Carrie Bradshaw. We really did believe love was around any corner — and worst of all: you could make enough money to own a 700 sq ft apartment on the Upper East Side by writing one article a week.

All this to say: Toronto is cringingly called “The New York of Canada”. The same principle applies. You think the dating pool is larger because there are more people, but it turns out those people are just worse.

Dating in Toronto? He’s either in finance or film, and the middle of that Venn Diagram between is that they’re both pulling every string to get on the guest list for the TIFF SoHo House after party.

Dating in Vancouver? If he has one pair of Blundstones every day and/or is an actor who’s had a guest-star role on the network medical drama, the date will be at Revolver coffee and the seawall walk. And yes, he is trying to run into people he knows as a flex.

Every date somehow turns into “going for a drive”

Yes, our country is beautiful. And no, most of us are not that girl who needs to be taken to the bougiest restaurant in the city just to look your way.

However…

Just because everything closes at 9 p.m. — rural Canada, we do be lookin’ at you — does not mean the Tim Hortons Drive-Thru and the scenic outlook (that BTW, we’ve all been to on multiple dates) is the move at midnight.

In fact, it reminds us of our least favourite ex. And it’s actually triggering. That said, with current gas prices and the heat going full-blast in winter, we may as well have gone somewhere bougie.

The f**kboys are polite — which is more confusing

They are chill. They say sorry for texting back late. They introduce you to their mother via a surprise FaceTime on the first date.

And yet? You still have absolutely no idea what’s going on.

Is he trying to date you? Be your friend? Keep you as the backup option? Is he deeply in love with you but emotionally incapable of expressing it beyond calling you slang like “buddy,” “bro”, or “the GOAT”?

Canadian men can be confusing because they’re nice. Not necessarily emotionally available — just polite enough to make you think they might be.

In my experience dating in both Canada and the US, Americans are a little more direct. They won’t ghost — but they will send you a short paragraph letting you know they didn’t feel a connection before you’ve even made it back to your car.

Canadian men? They’ll take you on a nine-hour nature hike for a first date, tell you you’re “not like other girls” if you’re wearing a flannel and no foundation, and will notice when you don’t have snow tires and not let it go until you do. They will do these things and then still “not know what they want right now”. You won’t know that. Because they won’t tell you. But if you’re in the guesswork phase of dating someone new? Godspeed.

Still, I believe in hockey bros. Deep down, I think they have good hearts and genuinely love the high school girlfriends they continuously cheat on.

Falling prey to cuffing season

For those of you who are enjoying your first day on Earth, “Cuffing Season” is a slang term for the time of year when singles pair up for relationships built not to last, to survive winter together.

But we’re Canadian. So our winters hit harder and longer.

AND IF YOU’RE ANYTHING LIKE ME, that means seasonal depression, getting stoned indoors for six months straight, and packing on a few pounds because you’re not going on dates. Then, you’re Postmates-ing ramen three times a week. Then, the sunk cost fallacy kicks in, and you suddenly become deeply attached to a man you would not even have considered in July.

The dreaded nature date

If you’ve hiked The Grouse Grind and enjoyed it, this one isn’t for you. If your least favourite “subject” in school was P.E., this one is.

Canada’s got a lot of greenery and ocean-ery, and mountain-ery, and apparent-ly… a lot of men think getting you to work up a sweat and scale the side of a rock on a third date is romantic. It’s not. It’s terrible.

Bonus points if he brings his shaggy dog, and you have to fake a giggle while it licks $45 foundation clean off your face.

Learning about hockey against your will

I know it’s a cliché that Canadians are all about hockey, but it’s a cliché for a reason.

Even the ones who shouldn’t know about hockey do. They will probably be sports betting. You will feign interest in their parlay even though you have no idea what a parlay is — until one day, against your will, you actually do.

Soon, you’ll be able to explain offside to your friends. You’ll know what a power play is. You’ll understand why everyone hates the Leafs but hates the Kings more.

You may find yourself reciting your man’s favourite rant about the refs rigging games so American teams can win because they make the league more money.

The good news? When you eventually go on that NHL date, the bright white ice acts like a built-in reflector. Hockey arena lighting is wildly flattering, and somehow the selfies always eat.

Nobody leaves their hometown emotionally

Sometimes they don’t leave it even physically!

Even when Canadians move to big cities — and God forbid they have their Montreal moment to “find themselves” — they still somehow date like they’re in Grade 12.

Single in their mid-30’s, they’ll DM their high school crush and try to make it happen because they have a beard now and work in real estate.

Friend groups rarely change. Everyone still knows everyone from high school, university, or hockey.

And yes, your 30+ year-old man will want you to come out to his beer league games and support him.