There are many reasons why people get divorced. Sometimes, partners stop talking to each other—a common issue for long-term marriages according to psychologists. Other times, divorce can be driven by money issues, empty nest syndrome, or health issues—all three warning signs you might be headed for a gray divorce.
But as famed psychologist Dr. John Gottman has said in the past, there is a common habit that raises divorce risk. And he knows what he’s talking about; he’s been studying couples since the 1970s, researching marriage stability and divorce prediction. Over his career, he’s studied couples for years—decades even—with one study following a couple for 20 years.
In his research, Dr. Gottman identified what is known as the “Four Horsemen”—four detrimental habits that research shows are strong indicators of divorce. And eventually, according to The Gottman Institute, he was able to determine whether or not a couple was headed for divorce with 90 percent accuracy, all while working on his own healthy marriage to Dr. Julie Gottman, a clinical psychologist who also works with couples.
So, how did he get so good at predicting divorce? Well, according to the Gottman Institute, the Four Horsemen, if they become regular habits, are pretty much a one-way ticket to divorce court. But there is one that stands out among the rest. And Parade spoke with a psychologist, a psychotherapist and an attorney about the most common habit that raises divorce risk, and tips to save your marriage.
Related: We Asked 3 Psychologists What Usually Causes Divorce Over 50—They All Said the Same Thing
The ‘Kiss of Death’ in Marriage: The #1 Predictor of Divorce
Dr. Gottman established contempt as the number one predictor of divorce, and psychotherapist Wynter Warshaw, MA, LMFTA, agrees. She tells Parade to think of contempt as a “barrier” to work on a marriage, especially because it goes hand-in-hand with a lack of goodwill and generosity towards one partner, two traits she calls “the putty that puts the pieces of a marriage back together again.”
Warshaw adds that a couple can survive a major event—an affair, illness, etc—if there is still goodwill and generosity to act as the “connective tissue” to repair the relationship. But when a partner holds contempt for their other half, it can manifest in a lack of empathy and kindness. This, in her experience, is the real kiss of death for a marriage.
“It’s not the stereotype of the torrid affair or the major catastrophe that really brings people down. It’s usually just the lack of kindness over time,” she says.
This contempt and lack of kindness eventually leads to divorce—something attorney Sophie Jacobi-Parisi, who works in matrimonial and family law, sees all the time.
“By the time they’ve gotten to me, the contempt and lack [of] respect for one another is tangible,” she tells Parade.
Related: We Asked 3 Psychologists What Happy Couples Over 50 Do Right—They All Said the Same Thing
What Does Contempt Actually Look Like? (It’s More Subtle Than You Think)
“Contempt is when you treat someone as if they are beneath you,” explains Dr. Molly Burrets, PhD, a clinical psychologist currently working in California.
Of course, no one thinks they would put up with a partner treating them this way, but contempt can sometimes be hard to spot, especially early on. “Contempt is often expressed passively before it becomes overt,” she adds.
So, what does contempt actually look like?
Eye-rolling and sneering
Contempt doesn’t have to be verbal; sometimes it’s as simple as a well-placed, pointed side-eye or smirk.
“Eye-rolling and sneering are silent, but strong indicators of contempt,” Dr. Burrets notes.
Passive-aggressive humor
A little good-natured teasing is one thing, but when the jokes become passive-aggressive, it quickly stops being funny.
“We all know that couple that it’s uncomfortable to go to dinner with because they’re just taking jabs at each other under the guise that it’s harmless humor,” Warshaw tells Parade. “But it takes a toll.”
Rigidity
Contempt can sometimes come out when it comes time to compromise with your partner.
“Not being open to seeing things a different way,” is a major red flag, says Warshaw. “When we can’t even consider the other person’s perspective, we can’t even consider that there could be another way to look at things; that’s concerning.”
Attacking a partner’s worth
We all say things we don’t mean in an argument, but when contempt is present in a relationship, things can escalate to become a personal attack on a partner’s worth or competence.
“Whereas anger might sound like, ‘I’m really frustrated you never pick up around the house, and I’m getting sick of it,’ contempt sounds like, ‘Of course you didn’t pick up again. You’re useless when it comes to helping me around the house,’” Dr. Burrets shares.
The Psychology of ‘The Four Horsemen’: How Criticism Spirals Into Divorce
Criticism
The first horseman, criticism, is perhaps the most pervasive and also the easiest to dismiss.
“Criticism is when we’re very hard on our partner. We only see what they’re doing wrong,” says Warshaw. “They’re running late and instead of thinking, ‘Oh boy, I hope they didn’t hit terrible traffic’ or ‘I hope they’re okay,’ we’re thinking more punitively, like, ‘Oh wow, they’ve done something wrong and they’re late.’”
Defensiveness
Criticism and defensiveness are two sides of the same coin—at a certain point, you can’t have one without the other.
“It’s the response to criticism,” Warshaw explains. “It’s protecting oneself against the criticism.”
Defending yourself from an attack from a partner might seem reasonable, but it can quickly lead to a refusal to take accountability. Defensiveness can become ”an inability to really see your part in things and take responsibility.”
Stonewalling
“Stonewalling is when one partner shuts the other out,” Warshaw explains. This could mean a partner shuts down emotionally or they could physically leave the relationship.
Just like defensiveness, stonewalling can start out seeming reasonable, a more extreme version of taking a time out in an argument (which she assures Parade can be very healthy), but over time, it can become dangerous.
“The stonewalling dynamic is very painful,“ she says, noting that it can often trigger feelings of abandonment.
Contempt
“It’s normal to be irritated with our partners, to get annoyed or frustrated,” Warshaw notes. “But when we get to the point where we actually look down on them, where there’s an actual erosion of respect,” that’s a sign of contempt.
Related: Psychologists Warn: These 7 Defensive Phrases Are Red Flags in a Relationship
The Biological Cost: Why Mocking Your Partner Damages Physical Health
As contempt erodes respect, it can also lead directly to mocking, according to Warshaw.
“Contempt could come out of a place of feeling undermined, feeling like you’re not respected,” she explains, adding that mocking is then “an attempt to regain power” in the relationship.
“Mocking challenges the foundational requirement that both parties feel and act like they are on the same team, working towards mutual goals,” says Dr. Burrets. “Repeated mockery can be a signal that hurt has begun turning into disrespect.”
And mocking your partner isn’t just bad for the relationship; it’s also bad for your health.
“When you mock, ridicule, sneer at or speak down to your partner, your nervous system usually isn’t operating from a calm, connected state,” Dr. Burrets explains. “You are rehearsing irritation, hostility and threat. If that becomes a regular relational pattern, the body can spend more time in states of physiological arousal—changes in heart rate, blood pressure, stress hormones, muscle tension and immune activity.”
Meanwhile, the partner being mocked can also suffer.
“It is absolutely erosive to have a partner that makes fun of you, pokes fun at you, mocks you in public,” Warshaw states. “It’s damaging for self-confidence and self-esteem.”
At the end of the day, both Dr. Burrets and Warshaw agree that a stressful, unbalanced relationship isn’t good for your health.
“Research on distressed relationships has found links between chronic marital conflict and changes in cardiovascular, endocrine, inflammatory and immune functioning,” Dr. Burrets says.
Related: We Asked 3 Psychologists What Hobby Is Best for Couples—They All Said the Same Thing
How To Reverse the Habit: Cultivating the ‘Antidote’ to Contempt
Extreme contempt can be hard to come back from—over the course of her 20-year career working in matrimonial law, Jacobi-Parisi tells Parade that she’s only seen a few couples reconcile. But there are some things a couple can do to help reverse contempt—or, at the very least, counteract it.
Use the “softened startup” method
A “softened startup”—or, as Warshaw calls it, “a stroke and a kick”—is a great way to try to transition away from contempt and criticism, and towards a more productive discussion where you can express your displeasure without blaming your partner.
“When there’s something difficult that we need to talk about, pad it up with something positive and think about the approach strategically,” she suggests. For example, “Instead of, ‘We never have sex anymore,’ [it’s] ‘I was thinking about the last time we had sex, it was so fabulous.’”
By cushioning the blow, she continues, you set the stage for more effective communication.
“That’s a very, very effective way of being able to talk about difficult things,” she states, adding that using soften startups to kickstart difficult conversations can help avoid resentment, which can also lead to contempt.
Rebuild your relationship’s emotional bank account
Dr. Burrets describes an emotional bank account in a long-term relationship as a “non-negotiable necessity.” It’s the emotional reserve that keeps a relationship running even in times of stress.
“Longer-term relationships must bear the weight and stress of real living. It’s not possible, long term, to put the same effort into a relationship every day consistently,” she says. “Longer-term relationships have ebbs and flows, where they become more prioritized as bandwidth becomes available, and they need to run on the emotional bank account when resources run low.”
One way to rebuild an emotional bank account involves marriage counseling—or at the very least productive communication between you and your partner—while another might be to do something physical together.
“Exercise is huge for a connected relationship,” Warshaw says. “Physical intimacy is not just sex, it’s all kinds of play.”
Positive feedback and affirmation are also critical when it comes to feeding your emotional bank account.
“Being able to validate and compliment our partners is so important,” she notes. “It’s one of the first interventions that I lean towards—being able to recognize what makes your partner special and what makes them strong, what makes them great.”
Up Next:
Related: We Asked 3 Psychologists What Couples Over 50 Fight About Most—It Wasn’t Money
Sources:
- The Gottman Institute
- Wynter Warshaw, MA, LMFTA, is a psychotherapist with a Master’s in Marriage and Family Therapy. She specializes in couples therapy and practices at You Are Complete Psychotherapy in Westport, CT.
- Dr. Molly Burrets, PhD, is a clinical psychologist currently working in California. She sees patients in her private practice and is also an Adjunct Professor at the University of Southern California in the Department of Marriage and Family Therapy.
- Sophie Jacobi-Parisi, JD, MSW, is a partner at Blank Rome LLP, where she specializes in family and matrimonial law. She is also a co-chair and executive committee member of the New York State Bar Association (NYSBA), Family Law Section.