Sibling rivalry is as common as can be. If there’s a house with siblings in it, it’s probably safe to assume that not only have they argued with each other in there at some point, but there have also been some competitive feelings to a certain degree.
Of course, the severity and frequency of sibling fights vary from family to family, and it’s important for parents to step in and make sure things aren’t getting out of hand between brothers and sisters. That said, it can be frustrating for moms and dads to see their kids arguing with each other, leading them to make parenting mistakes when it comes to handling sibling rivalries.
In fact, there’s one common parenting mistake that can make sibling fights a whole lot worse, according to Dr. Kezia Jackson, CEO and clinical psychologist at Healing Spaces in St. Louis, MO. She works with adults, teens and children, and her practice specializes in treating individuals who are Black, POC and part of other marginalized communities.
“Parenting is difficult, and navigating sibling rivalry is often something that comes with the job,” Dr. Jackson tells Parade. “Parents often try to do their best, but there’s no parenting manual; we are all just doing the best we can with what we have.”
Keep reading for her insights.
Related: We Asked 4 Psychologists What Usually Causes Adult Siblings To Drift Apart—They All Said the Same Thing
This Common Parenting Mistake Can Make Fights Between Siblings Worse
According to Dr. Jackson, the common parenting mistake that can make sibling fights even worse is acting as a judge and naming a winner of the argument.
“After overhearing siblings fighting and bickering, it makes sense that parents want to come in as judge and referee,” she explains. “This is often a common mistake.”
Related: 15 Phrases to Effectively End Any Argument, According to Psychologists
Why Can Choosing a Winner in a Sibling Dispute Make the Fight Worse?
“It can be easy to want to quickly stop conflict and decide who ‘won’ so the fighting can cease. However, this often makes things worse,” Dr. Jackson tells Parade.
“We may not always be there to get the complete picture of what happened, so our ‘judgement’ may not be fair,” she explains. “Parents may also be trying to deliver a fair decision for an argument that may not be so logical or black-and-white (these are children we are talking about!).”
Additionally, she notes that when parents choose a “winner” of a sibling fight, it can lead to long-term bitterness between family members.
“It is not uncommon for the loudest child to be deemed the ‘wrong’ one, often leading siblings to quietly provoke one another to get someone in trouble and blamed,” she says. “These all may lead to more stress, tension and even resentment in the home.”
Related: Child Psychologists Are Begging Parents and Grandparents To Stop Asking Kids This Question (and What To Ask Instead)
3 Other Mistakes Parents Make During Sibling Fights
Thanasis Zovoilis / Getty Images
“There are a few other things parents do that can make siblings fight worse,” says Dr. Jackson.
1. Automatically placing blame on the older sibling
One mistake is “always making the older child give in because they ‘know better,'” says Dr. Jackson.
“While eldest children have more responsibilities and knowledge, just because they are older does not mean that they are automatically at fault in the argument,” she explains. “By just defaulting to this belief, it can leave the eldest sibling vulnerable to feelings of resentment and frustration. It can also peel back any old wounds related to not feeling as cared for or seen.”
2. Disregarding emotional regulation
According to Dr. Jackson, it’s important to help children regulate emotions when trying to resolve a dispute; however, adults tend to force children to talk about what just happened when their emotions are still heightened, which is rarely productive.
“During heightened emotions, the brain prioritizes the part of the brain responsible for survival and emotions, as opposed to the frontal cortex, which is responsible for logic and processing,” she explains. “The frontal lobe isn’t fully developed in children, so we are asking them to do a lot in the moment if we do not help them regulate their emotions first.”
So, before talking through a sibling fight, Dr. Jackson recommends helping your kids take a few deep breaths or try other calming techniques “before having a serious conversation to prevent such disagreements in the future.”
3. Comparing children
“When you have multiple children, it can be easy to notice differences between them,” Dr. Jackson notes. “However, comparing them to each other, especially in the middle of an ongoing argument, is not helpful.”
Related: Why Child Psychologists Say You Should Stop Telling Kids ‘I’m Proud of You’
Try This Psychologist-Approved Parenting Method for Resolving Sibling Arguments
Dr. Jackson has found that the best way to deal with sibling fights is to mediate without judgment.
“While this may not always be possible in the moment, it allows parents to stop acting as the sole judge and teach children how to effectively problem-solve,” she says. “This allows the parents to come from a place of neutrality, asking questions to help identify what happened, allow the children to identify and label their feelings, as well, to help them come up with a solution.”
Not only does a parent acting as an impartial mediator make children feel heard, but it can also have major long-term benefits.
“When they also come up with the solution themselves, they are more likely to do what needs to be done without additional conflict or resentment,” she notes.
Related: Should You Actually Ignore a Tantrum? Big Little Feelings Settles the Debate
These 3 Habits Can Help Avoid Sibling Conflicts, According to a Psychologist
travelism / Getty Images
“Here are three things I recommend parents do to help calm sibling conflict,” says Dr. Jackson.
1. Spend one-on-one time with each child
Spending time with your children individually can “help strengthen your individual relationship with each child” as well as “reduce siblings wanting to argue or provoke their siblings for parental attention,” explains Dr. Jackson.
“By already providing that attention and one-on-one time, it can help reduce conflicts that may be based on attention-seeking, whether that’s conscious or unconscious,” she reveals.
Related: 3 Psychologists Agree This Is the Most ‘Underrated’ Positive Parenting Habit
2. Set clear rules to avoid conflict
“We know when it comes to certain toys and gadgets, there can be automatic arguing,” Dr. Jackson notes. “Therefore, it can be helpful to set up the parameters from the beginning regarding who gets to play with it first, the amount of time each child gets and how they are going to share.”
She adds: “By outlining these things in advance, it can help reduce the arguments that come from lack of direction and understanding about expectations.”
Related: If Your Child Says ‘I Can’t Do It,’ Big Little Feelings Says To Remember This—‘People Are Not Going To Want To Hear This’
3. Learn to calm yourself down
Being able to keep calm as an adult “is an often underrated and underestimated skill,” explains Dr. Jackson.
“Parents juggle a lot, and oftentimes sibling rivalry can come when you’re tired or in the middle of doing something,” she states. “So, your reactions in the moment may be heightened by frustration, exhaustion and, frankly, annoyance. If you have the skills to regulate yourself, it will be easier to regulate your children; it will also be easier for you to see the argument from your rational brain and remember to focus on mediation.”
Up Next:
Related: 6 Benefits of Living With a Grandparent, According to a Child Psychologist
Source:
- Dr. Kezia Jackson is a clinical psychologist and an expert in psychological assessment, as well as the CEO of Healing Spaces.