Child psychologists say that one of the first things that comes out of a parent’s mouth at a consultation is, “My kid says, ‘Nobody likes me.'” It often morphs into “Why does my child feel left out?” or “What tips can you give me on how to help a lonely child make friends?” One child psychologist says that many parents have often tried (and repeated) the line, “That’s not true! You have lots of friends.” However, she says it’s a mistake—made lovingly, but still unhelpful.
“Often, a child isn’t really giving you a head count of how many people like them. They’re telling you something about how they feel,” Dr. Amy Kincaid Todey, PhD, a psychologist who works with children and parents, tells Parade.
For instance, she says your kid’s best friend may have played with someone else at recess, or they may not have been invited to a party. That said, on the other hand, it could be a bit deeper and a child may have been struggling socially for a while. The distinction matters.
“Our job isn’t necessarily to correct the sentence as quickly as possible,” she explains. “It is to get curious about the experience underneath it. Children benefit when adults help them identify, express, understand and eventually regulate difficult emotions rather than simply minimizing those feelings.”
Knowing what to say when your child says that nobody likes them can help. Dr. Todey shares her advice on how to respond. She also offers more child psychologist advice on social rejection and how to help a lonely child make friends (and build confidence).
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The Best Way To Respond When Your Child Says ‘Nobody Likes Me’
When parents ask Dr. Todey for advice on what to say when your child says nobody likes them, she recommends a simple line: “Oof. That sounds really lonely. Tell me what happened.”
“Your child’s painful social moment doesn’t always need to disappear immediately,” she explains. “Sometimes what builds confidence is having a parent who can stay beside them long enough to say: ‘That really hurt. Let’s understand what happened. And then we’ll figure out what comes next.’”
She says the line, “Oof. That sounds really lonely. Tell me what happened,” conveys this message in so many words because:
- It acknowledges the feeling without automatically agreeing with the conclusion that literally nobody likes them.
- It keeps the child talking.
- It gives the parent information before deciding whether this child needs comfort, perspective, problem-solving, social coaching—or perhaps more significant support.
“Sometimes you will discover that ‘Nobody likes me’ actually means, ‘My best friend sat with someone else today,'” Dr. Todey tells Parade. “Sometimes it means, ‘Three kids have been excluding me for weeks.’ Those are very different problems. A child needs us to understand which one we are dealing with before we respond.”
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The 3 Worst Things a Parent Can Say (And Why)
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Dr. Todey says that parents often default to certain statements when a child says, “Nobody likes me.” However, she cautions against them. Here are three lines to avoid when your child says, “I have no friends” or “Nobody likes me.”
1. “That’s ridiculous! Of course people like you. You have tons of friends…”
Dr. Todey knows parents usually say this lovingly because they desperately want to take their child’s pain away. The problem is that “excessive reassurance can accidentally skip over the child’s emotional experience.
“Your child may be thinking, ‘But you weren’t there. You don’t understand,'” she explains.
Instead of immediately trying to convince them they’re wrong, she suggests trying to get underneath the statement by saying a statement like, “Something happened today that made you feel really left out.”
“The goal is not to validate an inaccurate belief. It is to validate the emotion underneath it. Supportive emotion processing with your child will also help them with emotion regulation and social competence,” she shares.
2. “Here’s what we’re going to do…”
Avoid immediately saying this one. Dr. Todey shares that parents are problem-solvers, and it’s instinctual to say, “I’m emailing the teacher,” “I’ll call her mom” or “You need to go tell them…” However, kids build social confidence by learning they can survive awkward moments, repair conflicts, make choices and solve age-appropriate social problems themselves.
“That doesn’t mean leaving a child alone with bullying or serious exclusion,” she clarifies. “It means resisting the urge to take over before we know whether they actually need us to.”
Dr. Todey recommends asking something such as, “Do you want me to listen, help you think about what happened or help you figure out what to do next?”
From there, she advises parents to use their best judgment to determine whether the social struggle is age-appropriate enough for them to work through it or if they should step in.
3. “You’re being dramatic. That’s not what happened…”
Your child may be wildly interpreting the situation, but Dr. Todey warns that correcting it too quickly can shut the door on a conversation.
“A child can be inaccurate about the facts and completely accurate about the feeling,” she states. “Maybe everybody does not hate them—but they felt rejected…. The ability to distinguish ‘I felt rejected‘ from ‘I am rejected’ is actually an important social and emotional skill.”
She wants parents to help their child learn the difference and develop perspective. Helpful lines include: “It sounds like you felt really unwanted in that moment. Walk me through what happened.”
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Why Kids Say ‘I Have No Friends’
Dr. Todey says that oftentimes when a child says this, they mean it—they’re struggling to form or maintain friendships. Then, in other instances, she reports that “I have no friends” means something more specific, such as “I felt lonely today,” “I didn’t know where to sit at the assembly” or “I had a fight with my best friend.”
“Children do not always distinguish between a friendship and an emotion within a friendship,” she explains. “A friend being angry with you does not necessarily mean the friendship is over. A friend wanting to play with someone else doesn’t necessarily mean you have been replaced. And a conflict doesn’t automatically mean somebody no longer likes you.”
She says that learning that relationships can weather frustration, disappointment and conflict is one of the “quiet developmental tasks of childhood.”
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How To Help Your Child Build Social Confidence
It’s common to want to know how to help a lonely child make friends, especially if it’s your kid. However, it might help to build social confidence first, because it can ripple into making and maintaining genuine, positive friendships. Dr. Todey shared her top tips for how to build a child’s social confidence.
1. Help them get specific instead of global
Dr. Todey recommends gently nudging kids to zoom in if they say, “Nobody likes me.” For instance, she says you might ask questions like:
- “Who did you want to play with?”
- “What happened right before you felt left out?”
- “Was there anybody you felt comfortable with today?”
- “Is this happening a lot, or was today especially hard?”
“This helps children learn that one painful social moment does not necessarily define their entire social life,” the psychologist says. “It also helps parents figure out whether they are dealing with a temporary conflict, a friendship that needs repair, a skills deficit, bullying or a more persistent pattern of isolation.”
2. Create opportunities for friendship rather than pressuring children to “be more social”
Many children don’t know how—or even want—to be more social.
“Friendships usually grow through repeated contact, shared activity, proximity and reciprocity—not through lectures about making friends,” Dr. Todey says. “So give children manageable opportunities to connect.”
To help your child, she suggests that parents should:
- Invite one child over rather than six.
- Help them join an activity built around something they genuinely enjoy.
She adds that structured activities, like building LEGO, shooting basketballs, baking, gaming or working on an art project, may be much easier than simply saying, “Go play” to a child who feels overwhelmed socially.
3. Coach skills without communicating, “Something is wrong with you”
Dr. Todey shares that some kids genuinely need more help learning friendship skills. For instance, they may need help understanding the importance of joining a peer group or tolerating anxiety in social situations to meet and make friends.
“Most kids learn social skills through natural social feedback, but some kids struggle to learn these skills naturally from their environment,” she explains.
She recommends practicing:
- “Can I play too?” (for how to join a group)
- “OK, maybe later.” (For handling hearing “no”)
- “I’m sorry I yelled. Can we start over?” (For repair)
“Parents can role-play these situations casually at home and talk afterward about what worked,” Dr. Todey says.
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When To Seek Professional Help for Social Rejection
Not every friendship struggle is a cause for psychological concern. That said, Dr. Todey stresses that not every complaint is an overreaction.
“I would pay attention to pattern, persistence and impairment,” she suggests. “One terrible recess is painful, but it is different from a child who has been consistently isolated for months.”
She reports that social rejection occurs “when a child is excluded, disliked, ignored or repeatedly not chosen by peers.”
Though children build the foundation for peer relationships early by developing “playmate preferences,” she says social rejection generally begins in elementary school.
“As children move into elementary school, friendships and belonging become increasingly important parts of their social world,” the psychologist notes. “Peer rejection during middle childhood matters because persistent rejection can lead to loneliness and internalizing difficulties later in life.”
For this reason, Dr. Todey urges parents to seek additional support if a child is:
- Persistently lonely or rejected.
- Repeatedly being bullied.
- Becoming increasingly withdrawn.
- Refusing school or activities.
- Developing significant anxiety around peers.
- Experiencing changes in sleep, appetite or mood.
- Repeatedly saying things suggesting they believe they are unlikable or worthless.
“I would also look more closely when a child seems to want friendships but repeatedly cannot make or maintain them,” Dr. Todey adds. “Sometimes there is an underlying skill or developmental issue worth understanding—ADHD, anxiety, autism, language or communication differences, learning difficulties or other factors can all affect peer relationships.”
She says parents can start the process of finding more support by speaking to a child’s pediatrician, teacher, school counselor or school psychologist.
“A child psychologist or other qualified child mental-health professional can help determine whether the problem is primarily situational or whether the child might benefit from more targeted support,” Dr. Todey states.
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Source:
- Dr. Amy Kincaid Todey, PhD, is a psychologist who works with children and parents.