When kids learn how to talk to strangers, it creates a more realistic view of the world.Sinenkiy/Getty Images
When my son was 11, he dashed into an elevator in a downtown Toronto parking garage and disappeared from view. He thought I was behind him, but I was too slow. I felt panic. My child was gone. He didn’t have a phone. We don’t live in the city, so he’s not used to it. How would we ever find each other in this multilevel structure filled with cars and people?
I figured the best strategy was to stay where I was, clutching my other two children, hoping my missing son would find me. A few minutes later, the elevator doors reopened and he emerged, a woman standing next to him. She called out, “Don’t worry! I’m a mom, too. I wasn’t going to leave him till we found you.” He explained that, as soon as she entered the elevator at the next stop, he told her he’d lost his family. She said, “Okay, let’s start at P1,” and that’s how they found us.
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Years later, I’m still grateful to that stranger for helping my son. I am also proud of him for approaching her and explaining his predicament. This is a good example of the importance of teaching children to speak to strangers. It sounds counterintuitive, since we’ve spent the past half century insisting that children not talk to strangers, but that’s misguided advice; instead, we should tell them not to go off with strangers. Kids are smart enough to know the difference.
When kids learn how to talk to strangers, it creates a friendlier and more realistic view of the world. Imagine how terrifying it is for a child to be told that anyone they don’t personally know could be out to get them, waiting for an opportunity to cause harm. Not only is that a debilitating worldview that surely fuels anxiety about leaving the house, but it’s inaccurate; according to the National Centre for Missing Persons and Unidentified Remains, less than 10 per cent of child abductions in Canada were conducted by a stranger in 2025. Today, many predators lurk online behind friendly-looking avatars, rather than in neighbourhood parks. A better message is that strangers are not dangerous – dangerous people are dangerous.
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The more people a child interacts with, starting from a young age in the presence of their parent, the more adept they will get at picking up social cues, reading body language, and perceiving intentions. This is a skill that must be practised. Children can learn to detect traits like kindness, patience, grumpiness, dismissiveness and, crucially, creepiness. They should also learn how to extricate themselves from situations that make them uncomfortable. This ability will instill them with confidence, which empowers and protects, because a self-assured child is a less appealing victim than one paralyzed by fear.
Another bonus is that speaking to strangers almost always makes us feel better. A campaign called Talk to a Stranger Week says that more than 90 per cent of Canadians find that speaking to a stranger is a positive experience for both individuals, and those who speak to strangers report being three times happier than those who don’t. Connecting with strangers leads to improved cognitive performance, greater optimism, empathy, compassion and decreased loneliness. It builds general trust in society, which we need more than ever.
There has been an unfortunate shift away from the “adult solidarity” that sociologist Frank Furedi described in his 2002 book, Paranoid Parenting. In most communities around the world, adults assume “a modicum of public responsibility for the welfare of children, even if they have no ties to them.” This makes it easier for parents to grant kids freedom and independence in the real world, because we know they are loosely supervised by other adults’ watchful eyes.
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But when we assume ill intent and deny that strangers might ever help our children, we isolate ourselves and feel a need to keep our kids physically close. This stunts opportunities for growth and, worryingly, can push them to seek greater independence online.
What can we do? Don’t get angry or assume the worst when a stranger speaks to your child. Welcome the opportunity for interaction; your child is in training for real life. Insist that they make eye contact. Teach them how to introduce themselves, to ask and answer questions. If they can make small talk in a safe setting, they’re less likely to freeze up under stress.
We parents have a responsibility to raise adults, not children, and that requires getting out of our comfort zones. Talking to strangers is a good place to start – and it might get your kid out of a sticky situation in an elevator someday.
Katherine Johnson Martinko is a writer, speaker, and author of the upcoming book Hold the Phone: How Parents Can Rescue Their Kids From Too Much Screen Time, out in November.