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Real Talk is a relationship advice column featuring questions from readers and answers from experts. Some details may be changed to protect the privacy of the people profiled. It is not a substitute for seeking professional psychological or medical advice.
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Our reader Jackie from Toronto writes:
I have a wide circle of friends, but two particular friends, unrelated and both relationships of 30-plus years, are annoying me and I think I have reached a breaking point.
When I try to have a two-way conversation, I find neither of them responds nor acknowledges what I am saying. Their lack of interest has made me question my conversational skills and whether the topics that interest me are boring. I feel like I’m talking to brick walls.
One person simply ignores me and will start to talk about a completely different topic. The other seems to listen intently, but her response is all about her. A few times I have come right out and asked if they heard what I just said. They give me a vague response and talk about what they want to talk about.
For a long time, I thought it was me, that perhaps I’m boring. Now I’m convinced it is them. What can I say in the moment to make them hear what I am trying to say?
From the therapist: Dr. Carolina McBride, clinical psychologist and founder and director of The Cognitive & Interpersonal Therapy Centre in Toronto
You are clearly tired of being invisible in conversations that are supposed to be mutual. I can understand why this would feel so draining. With one friend it feels like she is simply ignoring you, which is hurtful. With the other, the conversation turns back to her, which can leave you feeling unheard and alone.
Your frustration has clearly been building, leading you to feel resentful. These patterns seem entrenched in both relationships, which means it may take some work to break them. Change, however, is possible.
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You said, “For a long time I thought it was me … but now I am convinced it is them.” Rather than it being about you or them, it may be better to think about the pattern that has been established with each of these friendships over the course of 30 years. Rather than feeling defeatist, you can take some power back by acknowledging that, in any relationship, you all play a role.
With the first friend, she has grown accustomed to redirecting the conversation to a new topic she is more interested in. With the second, her pattern is to relate to what you’re saying through her own experience, rather than staying with yours. She may be conversationally self-focused, a behaviour that can be a result of emotional stress, or simply missing social cues. Either way, your role has been to accommodate your friends.
Your expectation of reciprocity in your conversations is fair and valid. However, I wonder if your role has shifted more into “listener” than “talker.” Perhaps, over the years, passivity is the role you have grown used to playing.
To break the cycle, you need to take a more assertive stance. Asking them if they heard what you said is not enough: It invites a vague answer and is easy to ignore. Being assertive means being able to express your feelings, thoughts and beliefs in an open manner without aggression or blame. Being assertive does not mean that you will always get what you want. It is about expressing yourself in a way that respects both your needs and the needs of others.
In a calm way, you can bring attention to the effects your friends’ communication styles are having on you. One option is to have a conversation about the pattern of behaviour once the moment has passed. For example, in a calm state you can say to your first friend, “The other day I was telling you about X, and you changed the subject to Y. That made me feel ignored.”
With the second friend you can say, “The other day when I told you about X, the conversation shifted back on you, and I felt poorly understood.”
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Another option is to directly assert yourself in the moment and say, “Wait, I wanted to finish what I was saying. Can we come back to that after?” or “I’d love to hear your experience, but I would like to finish what I was talking about first.”
While you cannot control how your friends respond, when one person changes how they relate, the relationship is usually forced to change along with it. Shift your role in each friendship from accommodating to assertive, and each friend will have no choice but to respond to you differently.
Communicating your needs clearly can help bring you together, rather than letting the distance grow.
As told to Gayle MacDonald. Responses have been edited and condensed.