To put it mildly, Calvin got on the nerves of a lot of people in Calvin and Hobbes. First off, there was his mother, who Calvin fought with over her terrible cooking and going to school in the morning. He also frustrated his father, particularly when Calvin would break something costly, like a pair of fancy binoculars or part of the family car. Calvin ticked off his neighbor Susie, too, and even his teacher, Miss Wormwood.
But nothing compared to just how much Calvin would enrage his babysitter Rosalyn. With antics like locking her out of the house, pretending to flush her science notes down the toilet, and regularly jumping on her calls with her boyfriend to tell him she’s a child-hating monster, Calvin knew how to get under Rosalyn’s skin.
Rosalyn wasn’t helpless, however. She knew how to get back at Calvin with a snappy comeback, or an over-the-top threat in an effort to terrify the boy into compliance. She also knew how to squeeze more cash out of his parents to make up for her pain and suffering.
Here are Rosalyn’s five best quotes from the comic strip Calvin and Hobbes, courtesy of cartoonist Bill Watterson.
5
“I’d like to be paid in advance tonight”
Just about every appearance of Rosalyn features some variation of the line above. She’s always asking for more money, saying her rates have gone up, or talking about the cost of college tuition. They’re always funny and they help to define who she is and why she puts up with Calvin at all. This line just happens to be the best of her many money-oriented interactions she has with Calvin’s parents.
4
“I’m not your mom, all right?!?”
Just to drive her crazy one night, Calvin is insulting the way Rosalyn has prepared his dinner, complaining about how she set the table wrong and how bad the food smells. Rosalyn, who isn’t in the first two panels, jumps in and shouts in his face that she’s not his mom, proving she’s got zero chill left for this kid.
3
“This was a trick?! Why you sneaky little drip, I’ll get you!!”
I’m not even sure what a “drip” is, but man is it a funny insult. It comes when Calvin pretends to hear a noise outside one night when Rosalyn is babysitting. When she steps outside to find the source of the sound, Calvin slams the door behind her, locking her out. She isn’t let back in until Calvin’s parents get home.
Needless to say, Calvin gets in big trouble.
2
“Ha! This is fun!”
Rosalyn’s relationship with Calvin was defined by how combative it was. They both hated each other and insulted each other and that’s where all the comedy came from. But for Rosalyn’s final story, which came just a few months before Bill Watterson concluded Calvin and Hobbes on Dec. 31, 1995, we got to see another side of Rosalyn.
When she kicks off her babysitting night with Calvin, she tells him he can stay up a half hour late and they can play whatever game he wants, as long as he goes to bed after that. It’s surprising to hear, at first, but it seems like Rosalyn is just trying a new tactic to get Calvin to behave. She even seems to momentarily regret the idea when Calvin proposes they play Calvinball, a nonsensical game where the rules are constantly changing.
To Rosalyn’s surprise, she actually enjoys the game and has a pleasant evening with Calvin. She even says “Ha! This is fun!” when she starts to get the hang of the game. While it’s hardly a distinct quote, it’s notable because of how genuine it is. Rosalyn was all about the rivalry — and the cash — but this gentle little moment shows a whole other side to her.
1
“Calvin! Open this door, or your parents will never find your remains!”
There’s just nothing better than this. While Rosalyn insulted Calvin all the time, this line takes the cake as her all-time best. It’s from the time when Calvin steals Rosalyn’s science notes and is threatening to flush them down the toilet. He’s locked the door to the bathroom and Rosalyn demands he open it with the funniest threat possible.