Beyond the basement: A parent’s guide to (happily) living with adult children | Canada Voices

When my 22-year-old daughter moved back home after four years away at university, I was genuinely excited. I pictured a kind of second act: Mother-daughter drinks, yoga classes, long walks in Toronto’s High Park and relaxed evenings with dinner and a movie at home.

What I hadn’t envisioned was returning to the complexity of meal planning rather than simple meals with my husband, and lying awake at night worrying when she was out late after hitting the town with friends. When my son was back from Halifax for his university reading week in March, I found myself lining up eight slices of bread to make sandwiches for lunch, then nearly flinging them across the room. I realized I was done being mama bear in the kitchen.

When adult children return home, parents often feel a rush of excitement at having their progeny back under the same roof. But they may also miss being empty nesters, with fewer meals to prepare, less to clean and the peace and quiet of a more independent home life. Other parents whose adult kids never left may yearn to know what an empty nest feels like.

It’s now more common for adult children to live with their parents than in decades past. According to Statistics Canada, 57 per cent of 20- to 24-year-olds lived with their parents in 2021, and 47.5 per cent of all postsecondary students aged 20 to 34 lived with their parents in the same year.

In other words, millions of Canadians are living in intergenerational households made up of adult children and their parents, often out of financial necessity.

“Parenting in the 21st century is evolving into this situation where you’re helping your kids for much longer,” says Rob Carrick, former Globe and Mail columnist and author of the book How Not to Move Back in With Your Parents.

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Many parents today offer regular financial support to their adult kids, not just help with a one-time down payment or child care expenses for the grandkids, he said.

It’s not that young adults can’t cope on their own, Carrick says: “It’s the economy.” Student debt, exorbitant rents and house prices, inflation and higher unemployment rates have made achieving independence more difficult.

Regardless of these financial realities, some young adults may feel shame about returning to their parents’ home, or not moving out in the first place – even when the situation is not in their control.

When Matthew Thiess, 21, left university in Montreal after a year and returned home to live with his parents in Toronto, he worried about being judged or viewed as a failure. But he’s now working as an independent filmmaker, with a part-time job to cover expenses, and plans to move out again when he can afford it.

The arrangement feels natural – and is a living situation he enjoys. It’s like “freedom but still responsibility,” he says.

His mother, Debra Adey, enjoys his company but still feels a sense of responsibility, particularly about what he eats, when he’s under their roof. She also admits to “a tiny bit of resentment” when he doesn’t clean the kitchen the way she would.

While some families may be accustomed to intergenerational living – which is common in many cultures – others may have no reference point. Here’s some expert guidance on how to make this situation work for you and your kids.

Define expectations – and put them in writing

Before the adult child moves back – or decides to stay at home rather than move out – parents and children should have an honest conversation that outlines house rules, individual responsibilities and expectations.

This should include a loose timeline for how long the arrangement will last, along with benchmarks for achieving independence, whether that is saving money, paying off student loans, applying for jobs or getting interviews, says Agnieszka Wyka, a registered clinical counsellor with Hollyburn Support Services in North Vancouver. Ideally, this “living together” agreement should be in writing, she adds, so there is clarity.

“The guiding light should be, how are we going to help them launch as opposed to how are we going to let them coast?” Wyka says. “Setting up a contract can be a very positive thing for both parents and adult children.”

Depending on the reasons for living at home, milestones for achieving independence will vary. If finances are the issue, the focus might be saving money. If there is a mental health or substance use problem, goals should focus on seeking professional help, Wyka says.

The contract should also include practical details: For example, are they allowed to have a partner spend the night? Will there be designated quiet time in the house? A curfew? How will you share chores?

Find a financial arrangement that works for you

Finances can be a delicate topic for intergenerational households. Will parents charge their adult kids rent, or expect them to pitch in for utilities or groceries? Or will they simply ask for help in other forms, such as taking on household chores?

“I don’t think rent should be some big hammer used by parents to beat the lessons of personal finance into their kids,” Carrick says. This is especially true if the reason the child is living at home is because they can’t afford to live independently. It should come down to what the child can manage, he adds. Maybe it’s their cellphone bill or car insurance.

Some parents charge a minimal amount of rent but save the earnings to return to their child when they are eventually ready to move out.

There’s no rulebook, Carrick says, so don’t be afraid to ask friends in a similar situation about what works for them.

For Thiess and his mother, rent didn’t make sense because he was saving money to move out. Instead, he shares the household chores, and Adey and her partner are paying for his French classes – a step to him being able to eventually move to Montreal as an independent filmmaker.

Redefine your roles as adult housemates

“When adult children move back home, boundaries can blur,” says Wyka, with parents stepping back into a caregiver role, and the child expecting that care. This can lead to tensions, she says, unless parents set boundaries and kids take on more responsibilities as adult members of the household.

Parents may also need to manage their guilt around moving away from the super-parent role and honouring their own needs, which can be different as they get older.

“You have to transfer responsibilities that are consistent and gradual,” Adey says. For her, this means no longer being “on deck” all the time for domestic work.

“We mostly eat separately,” Thiess says. “I cook for myself or order in.”

Protect your couple relationship

Before negotiating with their adult child, parents should be on the same page about their own boundaries, goals and ways to preserve the “sacred space of the relationship,” Wyka says.

That could mean a regular date night, some dinners alone together or simply telling your child your plans without feeling guilty: Dad and I are going to dinner and a movie. There’s food in the fridge.

Revisit and revise

Even a good plan can need adjustments as time progresses. That’s why regular check-ins are important to assess how the living arrangement is working, says Sandra Salesas, a Montreal-based clinical counsellor.

Families should initially touch base every week or two to discuss how things are going, Salesas says, and revisit the contract every few months to see if the child is staying accountable and everyone is happy.

Keep the tone as warm as possible, and validate what is working, Salesas says. “It’s about negotiating partnership, respect and equity.”

If months pass and the arrangement isn’t working, even after making adjustments – for example, the child isn’t sticking to commitments such as chores and conflict is increasing – Salesas says you may want to work with a family therapist to address the issue.

Alternatively, parents may need to communicate that living together isn’t working for them and help the child figure out a timeline to move out, with their support.

It’s been nine months since our daughter moved back home. We didn’t create a contract at the outset. Now we’re playing catch-up, with more regular conversations about house rules and what adulting together looks like. Our daughter has agreed to make one dinner a week, is taking on other household chores such as cleaning and doing dishes, and will begin paying a small stipend this spring with the goal of eventually returning to school to pursue a master’s degree.

For my partner and me, it’s been a win-win situation where we are enjoying the benefits of our daughter’s companionship, while also carving out alone time.