Illustration by Sébastien Thibault
Real Talk is a new relationship advice column featuring questions from readers and answers from experts. Some details may be changed to protect the privacy of the people profiled. It is not a substitute for seeking professional psychological or medical advice.
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Our reader Kathy in British Columbia writes:
A few years ago, I joined a new neighbourhood book club. The ladies were mostly retired, with a variety of life experiences including teaching, health care and social work. We enjoyed our time discussing books, and of course the discussion would extend to local and world events.
About a year and a half ago, a lady joined the group, and it became clear very quickly that she had far right, conspiracy theory views. She would take (or invent) the slightest opportunity to switch the conversation to “the Plandemic” or talk confidently about how former prime minister Justin Trudeau was “going to be arrested tomorrow for ‘proroguing’ Parliament.” We have gotten skilled, as a group, at meeting her statements with silence, then changing the subject, but she is relentless.
Recently she has given her opinion that the U.S. President’s speech at Davos was “brilliant” and “spot on.” She tried to give us a history lesson on why the U.S. should have Greenland. I have started to speak up and fact-check her statements, but the red hat/tinfoil stuff is starting to ruin my enjoyment of book club, and others have privately complained as well.
How can I find a path back to my estranged daughter?
I’ve considered talking to the founder of the club but to what end? It feels like the opposite of inclusion to ask to kick someone out, but obviously we aren’t her best audience. Can you please provide some suggestions on how to handle this?
From the therapist: Nicole Khaitman, a registered social worker, clinical therapist and senior associate at Toronto Family Therapy & Mediation Inc.
First, let’s acknowledge your feelings. Your book club is not just a book club, it is a meaningful community. Before this new member arrived, your group was already established and there was trust, comfort and a sense of ease with one another. That kind of safety is worth recognizing, and its disruption is exactly why this situation stings as much as it does. It also sounds like you are not the only group member who is feeling this way. When several people notice the same shift in a group dynamic, it usually means the experience of the group has genuinely changed.
My first suggestion is to try speaking with her one-on-one. This isn’t about scolding or criticizing. It’s about trying to find common ground or a connection through a quiet, private conversation. Try: “I love the energy you bring. Lately though, a few of us have been missing the days when we actually talked about the book. Could we, as a group, reel it back in?”
Sometimes people who dominate conversations or express strong opinions don’t realize how they are coming across. She may surprise you. If she doesn’t? That’s not on you. You have done your best to handle the situation with integrity and tact.
Your next step may be to introduce a gentle reminder of “book club expectations” to the whole group. Clubs such as this thrive because they operate on a code of ethics. So, at the start of the next meeting, begin by saying: “We are here to talk about the book; let’s try to keep tonight’s discussion focused on what we read.” Frame it as a group norm that applies to everyone rather than as a personal critique of a single person.
You can also consider appointing a group facilitator or discussion leader. It might add some structure to the discussions and keep everyone focused on the topics related to the book.
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There’s another perspective worth considering. Book clubs often thrive because of a wide range of opinions and personalities. The newcomer may simply be someone who enjoys expressing her thoughts more openly, and that in and of itself isn’t necessarily a bad thing. You might want to allow time before the discussion begins, or after it ends, for members to socialize and share broader opinions. Most groups can find ways to hold different viewpoints while still enjoying one another’s company.
If you do decide to speak with the founder, try reframing the concern. You are not asking for someone to be removed or evicted from the group – you are raising a group dynamic issue. Say something like, “Our discussions keep getting derailed, and it’s affecting everyone’s enjoyment. I just wanted to flag it.” This opens the door to a conversation without creating unnecessary tension. The founder can then decide whether to have their own private conversation with the member.
Inclusion is an important value, but it doesn’t mean enduring a group dynamic that has become consistently unpleasant. If sincere efforts are made to redirect the conversation and set gentle expectations, but the tension continues to affect the group’s enjoyment, it may be reasonable to consider whether this member is the right fit. Protecting the space you have all created together is not exclusion, it is simply caring about the experience of the whole group.
As told to Gayle MacDonald
Struggling with your relationships? Share your story for our new advice column, Real Talk
Every month, senior features writer Gayle MacDonald will pose a reader’s question about a relationship issue they’re struggling with to an expert for advice. Briefly describe the tricky situation or dilemma you’re facing with the people in your life – from romantic relationships to friendships or family – in the box below and clearly state the question you would like answered. Some details may be changed to protect the privacy of the people profiled.
