Here’s everything I learned when I became sober in Canada — a country that loves to drink, Life in canada

I always have a drink in my hand (even if it’s a mocktail)

Sometimes I think Canadians have weather-permitting alcoholism. Like, as a country. We collectively have to stay indoors a lot because of the savage fall and winter weather. So, we drink a lot inside.

BUT.

When it is nice out, all we want to do is celebrate. Outside. In the sun. During patio season. With a bunch of beers. Is that so wrong?

No. It’s not.

Unless you’re like me. And one beer leads to you trying to fight your best friend in the parking lot after she confiscated your car keys, because you’ve categorically had “too much to drink.”

It was just a few beers, five rounds of picklebacks, three gin and tonics, and a Caesar — hold the Clamato. Relax, b*tch.

Now, as a sober person who fights my best friends in the parking lot for all the RIGHT reasons? I enjoy a mocktail or five when I’m out on the town. I still knock ’em back with the same speed, but now I just get to skip the hangover.

If I’m doing a full send and need stamina? Sugar-free redbull.

If I want to actually feel like I’m drinking? Peroni 0.0%. Budweiser 0.0%.

If I want to feel bougie? Phony Negroni.

If I’m calorie-conscious? Hop water is my best friend.

Most liquor stores have a good non-alcoholic wine section. Just check the percentages, though, because sometimes it says de-alcoholiz​ed, but it has 5%+.​

I arrive on time, so I can leave early

I don’t know anyone who got sober who was on time for anything, ever. I’m not saying it’s ’cause we’re degenerates but… I mean.. we’re not historically the most UPSTANDING members of society.

Sobriety can change all that, though. Or at least for me it did. I went from being an hour late to only 45 minutes late.

“Progress, not perfection,” they say!

No, but seriously, when I first got sober, I was just showing up late to things all of the time.

It’s hard to socialize sober when you’re not used to it. Most of the time, it’s also just boring. Because people can be kind of boring. When I’m bored, I try to entertain myself. Which always just ends up with me offending someone, their mom, and their dog.

But my sponsor gave me this great and extremely obvious trick: if you’re the first to arrive, you can be the first to leave.

And guess what? I tested, and it’s true. No one gets weird about it. Even your super uptight, annoying childhood friends who you wouldn’t be friends with if you met them now! Even they are chill.

When you’re the first to arrive, it signals that you care about your relationship with this person, so they won’t read into it when you leave.

Wanting to leave earlier when you’re not drinking makes the most sense in the world. There’s always a point in the night, usually after 10:45 p.m., when there is nothing there for you (especially if you’re not single).

Let your friends carry on. You have snacks at home and Netflix to watch in bed.

Going for coffee is my new “going for drinks”

I am an extremely caffeinated person. One time, I had a boyfriend tell me to stop drinking so much coffee because it was “bad for me,” and I said, “Do you know what’s bad for me? Fentanyl.”

So instead, it’s coffee dates with my people.

I won’t lie, it doesn’t hit the same as talking so much sh*t after your third round of dirty martinis in a dive bar, but it’s still pretty good. I get the caffeine buzz, and more importantly, I just get to catch up and check in. And, bonus, I can actually hear what the person is saying.

I made new (sober) friends

Firstly, there’s no need to throw out the old ones. I have plenty of childhood friends who go hard on the weekend, whom I love with all my heart. I am down to shotgun a Diet Pepsi while they shotgun a White Claw!

But sometimes I want the energy of the bar without actually being at one. The dry bar, if you will.

There is one place you can go, in every city, any hour, any day of the week. It’s like a pop-up bar for sober people. That place is called AA.

Alcoholics Anonymous.

Honestly, it’s the secret hot spot with the best-looking people in the city. I’m not kidding. There’s like… an alarming amount of hot people packed into one church basement. In fact, I once had someone tell me I didn’t need to go on a dating app because I’m in AA.

Keep in mind, though, just like the real bar, every AA meeting has its own personality and energy. Some are like your neighbourhood dive bar at 2 p.m. (old-timer meetings), and some are like the trendy new hotspot at 8 p.m. (young, single people, where everyone is “13th stepping”).

You just gotta find the right ones (there are a few apps that help you find meetings in your area).

I learned the ONE THING I said I always wanted to learn

There’s a saying I love: “I want means I won’t.”

It took me a while to get this one, but when I did, it really changed the game for me.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve always had a running list of things I wanted to learn: Italian. Sewing. How to shoot a bow and arrow like Jennifer Lawrence in The Hunger Games. The list goes on.

If you drink as I did, though, there’s pretty much no time to do anything other than drink.

When I was in the thick of it, I had a boyfriend who had all these interests. A very sporty guy, who wanted to play tennis on Saturday morning instead of chain-smoking on a patio and starting to drink at 9 a.m. (weak!) Was he actually totally real for that?

Truth is, I didn’t have any interests of my own — and even if I did, my mind and body were not up to the task.

I didn’t wanna hike, but I also physically couldn’t. Like cardiovascularly speaking, it was a mission doomed to fail.

So when I got sober, it was a tough transition. I was still the same person… but I just didn’t do the only thing I knew how to do or enjoyed doing.

I returned to my list of all the things I wanted to learn how to do. Then I made an even shorter list of the things I actually wanted to do.

Example: I thought I wanted to learn guitar until I dated an exceptional musician who offered to teach me. Turns out, band class wasn’t for me then, and it’s not for me now.

You know what I did eventually learn, though?

How to bake a pie (my fave dessert). Crust and all! I was really bad at it for a really long time. But then, I just got obsessed with it. Then I started getting good at this thing that felt so “off-brand” for me. Baking a pie is very Tradwife, and I have a trucker mouth, so — you can see the juxtaposition here.

This little skill of mine became a point of pride. For me, pie dough was the gateway drug to pasta dough, pastry dough, and then everyone’s fave pandemic throwback: sourdough. Very recently, I started taking a ceramics class, because it feels like the same tactile satisfaction.

Remember, as the Olympic freestyle skier Eileen Gu most recently said about her secret to success, “neuroplasticity is on our side.”

The beliefs we hold about ourselves are everything.