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Ask a Therapist is a series of columns offering insights and advice about common psychological concerns. It is not a substitute for seeking professional psychological or medical care.
Once we reach a certain point in adulthood, it seems like our sense of identity, which includes how we view ourselves, our values and our place in the world, should be stable and unchanging. However, there are many times in adulthood when our identity can shift, for example, when experiencing a job change, serious illness, separation or divorce, or a parenting adjustment, such as a grown child leaving home.
While sometimes these changes in identity are intentional, occurring as a result of self-reflection or reassessing who we are and what matters to us, at other times they catch us by surprise.
An identity shift arising from a major life change often feels sudden and disorienting. Having a clear sense of identity provides a framework for how to behave and make decisions. In the wake of an identity shift, we can feel confused, uncertain and stuck. If we no longer know who we are, how do we move forward?
With change, we may grieve our old sense of identity and way of life, even when the new reality is positive. We may feel excited about a promotion or new baby yet miss certain parts of our previous life that no longer exist, or experience anxiety about what’s ahead.
A client I am meeting with in therapy, who is in their late 60s and thinking about retiring, remarked that their job is central to their sense of self, and they worry they won’t know who they are if they aren’t working.
An uncertain limbo period often follows change when our old identity is no longer accurate, and our new sense of self is not yet formed. This period can be destabilizing, but there are ways to cope.
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Grieve your old self
Whether a change is positive or negative, give yourself time and space to grieve the old you. Acknowledge that you are losing an old version of yourself and allow yourself to feel whatever emotions arise. It may be helpful to write down your thoughts and emotions, or engage in an external act of mourning, such as lighting a candle for your old self or writing down what you will miss about your former identity, and then releasing it (recycling the paper).
Shift to a values-based identity
It is common for one role to make up a large percentage of our identity, and to define ourselves and our worth through that role: I’m a parent, a partner, a teacher, an athlete. Yet, the more one role defines our identity, the more vulnerable we are to our sense of self collapsing when that role changes. So, it is helpful to shift from a role-based identity to a values-based identity.
For example, if being a partner meant valuing interpersonal connection and caring for another person, there are ways you can still express those values even if you are no longer in a romantic partnership. Focus on the core values that remain important to you and use them to solidify your identity and guide your behaviour.
View your identity as an evolving story
Change can feel more disorienting if it is viewed as a set ending. While big changes are disruptive, viewing your life as a progressing story and certain roles as simply one chapter in the book helps increase psychological flexibility. With change, you are entering a new chapter, and all of your past experiences inform what comes next. In this way, you have not “wasted time” if a job or relationship ends. Rather, you have gathered life experience that helps you write the evolving story of your life.
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Remember that uncertainty is not necessarily bad
A changing identity can increase a sense of uncertainty, which may feel scary. Our brains automatically interpret the unknown as threatening in order to keep us safe. The downside to this is that we can feel a lot of anxiety about an assumption of danger that is inaccurate and may never come to pass. When facing uncertainty, remember that the unknown does not automatically equal bad. While bad outcomes are possible, neutral and positive outcomes are too. Leaning into the uncertainty that comes with a shifting identity, and allowing it to expand your comfort zone, can lead to growth.
Here are some other ways to manage uncertainty:
- Focus on the present moment and immediate future rather than thinking too far ahead. Ask yourself, “What is a helpful behaviour I can take in the next hour, day or week?” And remind yourself that you can’t solve a problem that hasn’t happened. If your mind is hooked on future-oriented worries, such as whether being an empty-nester will feel lonely, take a breath, push your feet into the floor and refocus on the present moment.
- Create stability through helpful routines. Build routines that offer a sense of stability. For example, even if you have recently retired, wake up and have a cup of coffee at the same time each day or walk with a friend at the same time each week.
- Cultivate non-judgmental self-compassion. Change can feel more difficult when we criticize ourselves. Be kind and compassionate with yourself. If you notice thoughts such as “My life is a mess after the divorce, and I don’t know who I am or what I am doing,” practice being non-judgmental and compassionate by telling yourself, “This is difficult, and I am figuring things out as I go.”
- Be curious. Frame the unknown as an opportunity for discovery and ask yourself open questions such as “What will I learn about myself during this time?”
Jennifer Caspari, PhD, is a registered psychologist in British Columbia. She works at Tall Tree Integrated Health in Vancouver and is the author of You Are More Than Your Body.