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Do you find yourself insisting on doing everything by yourself? Do you feel uncomfortable asking for support even when you’re overwhelmed? If so, you might be hyper-independent.
“The hyper-independent person is often the one carrying the entire load while insisting they’re fine,” Dr. Roseann Capanna-Hodge, a certified school psychologist, therapist and author of The Dysregulated Kid, tells Parade.
It might not sound too bad on the surface—after all, independence is generally seen as a positive character trait—but, as Dr. Capanna-Hodge notes, being overly self-sufficient isn’t exactly good for you.
“The healthiest form of independence is knowing you can do things on your own and feeling comfortable accepting support when you need it,” she states.
In contrast, a person with extreme self-reliance “may struggle to ask for help, minimize their needs, take on too much responsibility and feel uncomfortable receiving support, even when they’re overwhelmed.”
She continues, noting that, while being self-reliant can be a good thing, being excessively so can sometimes take a dangerous turn.
“On the surface, they often look highly competent,” she shares. “Underneath, they may be exhausted from feeling like they have to do everything themselves and believing that no one can really help them ‘get it done.’”
This risk of burnout is partly why it’s important to be able to recognize this intense form of autonomy when you see it, including these seven phrases hyper-independent people use regularly.
Related: Psychologists Say if You Were Told To ‘Toughen Up’ as a Kid, You Likely Have These 7 Traits
What Is Hyper-Independence?
Dr. Capanna-Hodge defines hyper-independence as such: “When a person feels they have to handle everything on their own, even when support is available.”
It’s less about the act of being capable or self-sufficient and more about feeling alienated from the people around you.
“It’s a belief that relying on others is uncomfortable, risky or unsafe,” she states.
Related: 7 Phrases People With High Self-Trust Use Regularly, Psychologist Says
What Causes Hyper-Independence?
“Hyper-independence often develops when a person [feels] that their needs may not be met consistently or safely,” explains Dr. Capanna-Hodge. “It can also be fueled by perfectionism, where asking for help feels like a failure. Over time, the brain and nervous system adapt by relying on self-protection and self-sufficiency.”
Hyper-independence is a learned behavior that she says generally begins at a young age.
“In my clinical experience as a therapist, many hyper-independent people grew up feeling they had to be the responsible one, solve problems on their own or be ‘perfect,'” she states. “The nervous system learns that it’s safer to rely on yourself than risk being disappointed or let down.”
Related: 5 ‘Exhausting’ Habits of Eldest Daughters, a Researcher Warns
What Is the Connection Between Hyper-Independence and Trauma?
There are many different reasons one might be hyper-independent, and, yes, there can be a connection between hyper-independence and trauma. But you shouldn’t assume that every hyper-independent person has been touched by trauma.
“There can be a strong connection between hyper-independence and past trauma, particularly early developmental trauma,” Dr. Capanna-Hodge explains. “When children grow up in stressful or unpredictable environments, their nervous system may learn that relying on themselves is safer than relying on others.”
7 Phrases Hyper-Independent People Use Regularly, According to a Psychologist
Here are some examples of common things said by individuals with extreme self-reliance.
1. “I’ve got it”
According to Dr. Capanna-Hodge, the phrase “I’ve got it” is a prime example of when “the nervous system has learned that handling things alone feels safer than relying on others.”
2. “Don’t worry about me”
Dr. Capanna-Hodge makes it clear that being hyper-independent doesn’t necessarily mean that you don’t want to be around other people or that you prefer to be alone. It can actually come out of a place of concern for others.
“Many hyper-independent people are quick to care for others, but uncomfortable letting others care for them,” she explains.
3. “I’ll figure it out myself”
I love being a problem-solver as much as the next person, but, according to Dr. Capanna-Hodge, this phrase “often reflects a belief that self-reliance is the safest option.”
4. “I don’t need help”
Hyper-independent people can have trouble accepting help, not because they don’t want or need it, but because it’s uncomfortable. This phrase might sound harsh, but Dr. Capanna-Hodge points out that this response is “less about capability and more about feeling uncomfortable receiving support.”
Related: 11 Childhood ‘Good Intentions’ That Actually Led to Emotional Wounds, According to Psychologists
5. “It’s easier if I just do it myself”
“This can reflect difficulty trusting that others will follow through,” notes Dr. Capanna-Hodge.
If you’ve ever taken on the brunt of the work in a school project, I’m betting you can relate!
6. “I’m fine”
This phrase is a favorite among hyper-independent people who tend to downplay their own feelings, says Dr. Capanna-Hodge.
“Hyper-independent people often minimize stress because they’ve learned to push through rather than reach out,” she shares.
7. “I don’t want to bother anyone”
Hyper-independent people can have trouble expressing their own needs, hence the use of a phrase that, per Dr. Capanna-Hodge, “reflects a belief that their needs should come second to everyone else’s.”
Related: People Who ‘Overfunctioned’ as Children Probably Have These 9 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
How To Overcome Your Hyper-Independence
First, it’s important to note that hyper-independence isn’t necessarily a bad thing that needs to be fixed—especially if it’s not hurting you. However, Dr. Capanna-Hodge points out: “If it’s creating loneliness, burnout or difficulty connecting with others, it may be worth exploring what’s driving it.”
If you determine that you want to try to overcome hyper-independence, she adds, then the main goal should be about becoming “comfortable both giving and receiving support.”
“I always recommend starting with a small ask when trying to break a hyper-independence cycle,” she explains. “Ask for help with something low-stakes and pay attention to what comes up emotionally. Often the challenge isn’t the request itself, but it’s the discomfort that follows.”
It’s important, she adds, that while you try to push yourself out of your self-reliant comfort zone, you pay attention to what might be driving your need to do things on your own.
“At the root of hyper-independence is often a belief that it’s safer not to need anyone,” she notes. “When people challenge that belief and experience reliable support, the nervous system can begin to see connection as safe instead of risky.”
Up Next:
Related: People Who Trust Themselves Do These 7 Things Differently, Psychologist Says
Source:
- Dr. Roseann Capanna-Hodge, EdD, is a licensed professional counselor, psychologist and author. Her newest book, The Dysregulated Kid, will be released on Sept. 22.
