Illustration by Sébastien Thibault
Real Talk is a relationship advice column featuring questions from readers and answers from experts. Some details may be changed to protect the privacy of the people profiled. It is not a substitute for seeking professional psychological or medical advice.
Have a problem? Tell us about it here.
Our reader Mike from Nova Scotia writes:
My wife is a people person and very tolerant of others’ faults. I’m more of an introvert and not as tolerant.
There is a couple in our neighbourhood my wife likes to get together with on a regular basis. I don’t really care for them. They are very frugal when it comes to spending money on others, but price is no object when spending on themselves. If we go on a trip or show up with something new, they don’t hesitate to ask how much it cost us and where we purchased it.
These kinds of questions get under my skin. My wife focuses on the good things about this couple. I can’t wait for our evenings together to end and I know my annoyance shows, which makes me feel terrible.
How can I respond to this situation so that I can treat everyone involved better?
From the therapist: Rebecca Boehm, clinical psychologist, PhD and owner of Mindful Therapies in Halifax.
This is not an easy situation. It is understandable that you have continued to show up and have tried to be kind to your wife’s friends. But the fact that you are admitting you do not enjoy their company, and are also noticing that your irritation is becoming apparent, are clear signals that you have given more than you would like to the relationship.
It is time for you to think about what you would truly like to do, and to consider how you would react if you didn’t feel the need to engage with them for your wife’s benefit. Left to your own devices, would you accept a dinner invitation, or would you politely decline?
Irritation and negative energy toward others are often signals you are giving too much or acting out of a sense of misguided obligation. In these instances, resentment can build – either toward your wife for insisting you go to these gatherings, or toward the couple. But you are not actually obligated to attend.
So, how do you extricate yourself without hurting anyone’s feelings or putting all parties in an awkward situation?
A friend of 20 years has been talking behind my back. How should I handle it?
First, you need to decide how much you want to engage with this couple, or if you want to see them at all. If, for the sake of your wife, you decide you will continue to see them, then you need to take a hard look at how much social time you can commit to without getting irritated. It is entirely fine for you to bow out of some get-togethers.
You may have alternate commitments or not. You can simply say, “Thank you for the invite but I’m not available,” without any need for further explanation or excuse. Many people feel the need to overexplain or have a “legitimate” reason to decline an invitation. Keep it short and simple. Avoiding an awkward social situation, or doing something you enjoy more, are fine reasons not to attend.
Should you choose to decline, the next thing you will have to deal with is the couples’ judgment of you, or your wife’s, or both. Their judgment may be just as difficult for you to deal with. We all have people-pleasing tendencies.
You may have to juggle which is worse: feeling judged if you don’t go, or feeling judged if you do go and treat them poorly. The reality is that we cannot control others’ opinions of us, so doing what makes you genuinely happy, with the least amount of guilt, is usually the best course of action.
Finally, you should talk through your feelings and concerns with your wife. Tell her these visits make you anxious and uncomfortable. An honest dialogue between the two of you may allow you to figure out, together, how much time you want or need to spend with this couple.
Ultimately, the negativity you are feeling is a result of not behaving in alignment with your true wants and wishes. When you start to set boundaries and prioritize your own happiness, you may find you see your wife’s friends, and yourself, in a kinder light.
As told to Gayle MacDonald. Responses have been edited and condensed.
Struggling with your relationships? Share your story for our new advice column, Real Talk
Every month, senior features writer Gayle MacDonald will pose a reader’s question about a relationship issue they’re struggling with to an expert for advice. Briefly describe the tricky situation or dilemma you’re facing with the people in your life – from romantic relationships to friendships or family – in the box below and clearly state the question you would like answered. Some details may be changed to protect the privacy of the people profiled.
