The days felt long, but the years were—in the end—too short. It’s completely normal if you feel that way about your now-adult child, who you could have sworn ditched diapers yesterday.
“Many parents struggle [in relationships with adult children] because their caregiving instincts are deeply wired. For years, their role was to guide, protect and sometimes correct,” explains Dr. Ernesto Lira de la Rosa, Ph.D., a psychologist and Hope for Depression Research Foundation media advisor. “That does not just switch off when a child becomes an adult. There is also an emotional component. Parents may feel anxious about letting go, worried about their child’s well-being, or unsure how to stay connected without being as involved.”
That said, he highlights that it’s crucial for parents to gently hit the “let go” switch to avoid or break certain habits that can damage a relationship with an adult child.
“Adult children are at a different developmental stage,” he points out. “They are building autonomy, identity and independence. When parents continue patterns that feel controlling or dismissive, even if well-intentioned, it can create distance, resentment or emotional shutdown.”
Distance from an adult child can be devastating. After all, as Dr. Lira de la Rosa reminds us, the parent-child relationship is one of the longest we will ever have.
“What often gets overlooked is that the relationship is supposed to evolve,” he adds. “What worked when your child was 8 rarely works when they are 28.”
He has a point. Evolution and change can be scary—but your growth as a parent will benefit you, your adult child and the bond you’ve built over the decades. Understanding how certain behaviors can pose issues is an important early step. Dr. Lira de la Rosa walks us through the seven habits to avoid with your adult children and why they are damaging to your relationship.
Related: 9 Things Boomers Do That Drive Their Adult Children Away, Psychologists Reveal
What Are the Most Common Issues Between Parents and Their Adult Children?
Dr. Lira de la Rosa explains that many of the issues between parents and adult children stem from an inability for one or both sides to shift their expectations, communication, boundaries and approach to their relationship.
- Mismatch in expectation. He shares that this issue is one of the most common he hears from parents and adult children. “Parents may still see their child through the lens of who they were growing up, while the adult child is trying to be seen as capable and self-directed, which can create tension,” he says.
- Communication breakdowns. Communication is a pillar of strong relationships, but he says it often stays stagnant as adult children grow, leading to regression and strife. “Many families fall back into old roles during interactions,” he explains. “An adult child may suddenly feel like a teenager again when visiting home, and parents may slip into lecturing or problem-solving mode without realizing it.”
- Boundary encroachment. Dr. Lira de la Rosa describes this pain point as a “major theme” in fractured relationships between parents and adult kids. “Questions about finances, relationships, living choices or career paths can quickly become emotionally loaded,” he states. “Often, these conflicts are not really about the specific topic.”
- Love underneath the friction. Honestly? Many parents who are struggling with their relationships with adult kids are actually super loving, and vice versa. “Most parents are acting from concern, and most adult children still want connection,” he reports. “However, when the relationship does not evolve alongside the child’s development, good intentions can still lead to strain.”
Related: 7 Common Gaslighting Phrases Boomers Use With Their Adult Children, Psychologists Say
PixelsEffect/Getty Images
7 Habits To Avoid With Your Adult Child, According to a Psychologist
1. Giving unsolicited advice
Honestly, you’re probably not surprised to see unsolicited advice here. It’s one of the most well-known habits that can damage relationships with an adult child. Yet, even if you hated it when your own parents doled out advice you didn’t ask for, you may find yourself doing it yourself. This habit comes from a place of love, but Dr. Lira de la Rosa urges parents to avoid it with their adult children.
“Many parents offer advice as a way of caring, but adult children often experience it as a lack of trust in their judgment,” he explains. “Over time, constant advice can make conversations feel one-sided and can lead adult children to share less about their lives. When advice is only given when asked for, it tends to land much better.”
2. Treating them like they are still a kid
Making this behavior a habit can have a profoundly damaging effect on your relationship with a grown child. Dr. Lira de la Rosa shares that using a condescending tone, reminding them of past mistakes or making decisions for them are all ways parents treat adult children, and describes these habits as “deeply invalidating.”
“Adult children are especially sensitive to moments that make them feel ‘put back’ into a younger role,” he says. “This habit can quietly erode respect on both sides of the relationship.”
3. Overstepping boundaries around personal choices
Dr. Lira de la Rosa urges parents to avoid excessive comments on an adult child’s relationships, finances, parenting style or career path. He notes conversations on these topics often cross lines that “belong to the adult child [and] can create defensiveness.”
“Even when parents disagree with a choice, repeated intrusion often pushes adult children further away rather than closer,” he reports.
4. Using guilt to maintain closeness
As tempting as it is to guilt-trip an adult child, avoid this unwanted family vacation.
“Statements that imply obligation, such as highlighting sacrifices or expressing hurt when the adult child prioritizes their own life, can create emotional pressure,” Dr. Lira de la Rosa explains. “Guilt may produce short-term compliance, but it often builds long-term resentment and emotional distance.”
5. Dismissing their stress or life challenges
Dr. Lira de la Rosa is begging parents not to compare generations or minimize a grown child’s struggles.
“When adult children feel their experiences are brushed off, they are less likely to open up in the future,” he notes. “Validation does not mean agreement. Rather, it means acknowledging that their experience is real to them.”
6. Expecting constant access or immediate responses
We often talk about how younger generations don’t understand what it was like to wait online for the grocery store, hail a cab or deal with dial-up Internet. Yet the desire for on-demand everything knows no generational bounds.
“With adult children building careers, relationships and families of their own, availability naturally shifts,” Dr. Lira de la Rosa says. “Parents who expect the same level of access they once had may unintentionally put pressure on themselves. This can make communication feel like an obligation instead of something the adult child looks forward to.”
7. Avoiding necessary relationship updates
Dr. Lira de la Rosa explains that sometimes it’s less about what parents do than about what they don’t do: adjust.
“Holding on to outdated roles and communication patterns keeps the relationship stuck,” he notes. “When parents do not intentionally shift toward a more adult-to-adult dynamic, both sides can feel misunderstood.”
Related:10 Phrases To Avoid With Your Adult Kids To Transform Your Relationship, According to Psychologists
What To Do Instead for a Healthier Relationship With Your Adult Child
1. Lead with curiosity instead of correction
Questions are an underrated tool in fostering healthier relationships.
“I often recommend that parents practice asking more than telling,” Dr. Lira de la Rosa shares. “Curiosity communicates respect and keeps conversations open. When adult children feel genuinely heard, they are far more likely to seek out their parents’ perspectives on their own.”
2. Explicitly acknowledge their adulthood
Dr. Lira de la Rosa notes that simple language and behavioral shifts go a long way in preserving (and even improving) your bond with an adult child.
“Statements that communicate trust in their decision-making help reset the tone of the relationship,” he explains. “Psychologically, feeling seen as competent strengthens the connection rather than weakening parental influence.”
3. Focus on connection, not control
Dr. Lira de la Rosa shares that, when your child has grown, it’s time to retire from “management.”
“The goal in this stage of parenting is no longer management,” he states. “It is relationship maintenance. Prioritizing warmth, shared experiences and emotional availability helps preserve closeness over time. Parents who make this shift often find that their adult children stay more engaged and communicative.”
Up Next:
Related: 7 Signs You Need To Set Boundaries With Your Adult Child, According to a Psychologist
Source:
- Dr. Ernesto Lira de la Rosa, Ph.D., a psychologist and Hope for Depression Research Foundation media advisor
