We’ve all been in a conversation where something felt just a little bit off, even if we couldn’t immediately put our finger on why. You might be sharing a story about your week, recounting a hilarious mishap or explaining a project at work, only to notice that the person across from you feels distant, upset or entirely disengaged.
Often, we assume that being a good conversationalist comes down to the words we choose or how animatedly we express ourselves. However, psychology reveals that our non-verbal cues carry far more weight than our spoken words—and chief among those cues is how we use our eyes.
While establishing connection often relies on visual cues, there is a very fine line between looking engaged and making someone feel deeply uncomfortable. In fact, experts note that one extremely common, subtle eye contact mistake can instantly ruin your rapport, making you come across as off-putting, overly intense or untrustworthy without you ever realizing it.
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The ‘Lock-and-Stare’ Trap: Why Too Much Eye Contact Backfires
When we are taught basic social skills, one of the first rules we learn is to “look people in the eye” to show respect, confidence and active listening. While gaze aversion can certainly signal disinterest or anxiety, overcompensating by locking eyes without breaking your stare creates the exact opposite of warmth: intense discomfort.
Holding relentless, unblinking eye contact—often referred to as intense gaze or “eye-locking”—can feel less like a warm conversation and more like an interrogation or a power play. Psychologically, human beings are wired to perceive unyielding eye contact from a non-intimate individual as a sign of confrontation, dominance or even threat.
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In a story on habits that make you instantly likable, psychologist Dr. Ernesto Lira de la Rosa, Ph.D., who is also a Hope for Depression Research Foundation media advisor, highlighted why constant gaze is counterproductive. As detailed in that previous Parade article, he explained that while eye contact is traditionally viewed as a trust-building mechanism, true likability actually comes from knowing when to soften and break that stare.
“Intense eye contact can feel confrontational, while breaking eye contact occasionally makes people feel less scrutinized,” he shared. “This subtle balance between engagement and ease puts people at ease and enhances the flow of conversation.”
When you fail to break your gaze naturally, the person you are speaking with may feel placed under a microscope. Instead of feeling heard, they become self-conscious, leading to a subtle desire to end the interaction as quickly as possible.
How To Strike the Right Balance With Visual Rhythm
To avoid coming across as either cold or overly aggressive, psychological experts suggest adopting a natural “rhythm” to your eye contact. Rather than staring continuously, aim for the 50/70 rule, which Michigan State University reported was the “appropriate eye contact” amount. For this, maintain eye contact for roughly 50% of the time while you are speaking, and about 70% of the time while you are listening.
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When you do look away, do so casually and softly. Glancing briefly to the side as you pause to think or collect a thought feels organic and human. Avoid looking down at your phone or checking the room over your shoulder, as these movements communicate disinterest rather than a brief mental pause.
By softening your gaze and allowing natural breaks, you remove the pressure from the interaction. This small adjustment signals to the other person that you are fully present, respectful of their space and comfortable in your own skin—paving the way for genuine connection.
Adapted from Parade’s “13 Surprising Habits That Make You ‘Instantly Likable,’ Psychologists Say” by Beth Ann Mayer
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Source:
- Dr. Ernesto Lira de la Rosa, Ph.D., is a psychologist and Hope for Depression Research Foundation media advisor.