Stephen Beatty, headmaster at Royal St. George’s School in Toronto, urged his students last week to not be silent bystanders.Supplied
An investigation into the alleged sexual assault of a Cornell University student has sparked much public outcry and conversations among students, parents and educators.
One Toronto principal at an independent all-boys school urged his students last week “to speak up and act” when they know “something isn’t right.”
Stephen Beatty, headmaster at Royal St. George’s College, spoke at an assembly for Grades 9 through Grade 12 students, about not being silent bystanders.
New York State prosecutors have reopened an investigation into the alleged 2024 sexual assault after the woman filed a civil lawsuit last month saying she was drugged and sexually assaulted by several members of a campus fraternity.
The woman’s complaint accuses the university of not preventing the alleged assaults and failing to properly address sexual violence on campus. It includes a photo that it says shows a group chat between frat members discussing the night’s events and inviting other men to assault the woman.
The following is an excerpt of Beatty’s address to students on Oct. 5:
This is a big conversation and it will begin and end with a big question. A simple question but one that we need, right now, to ask: What kind of man do you want to be? What kind of man will you be?
In this space a few years ago, the first time I had this conversation with Senior School boys, I spoke about the Steubenville rape case in Ohio in which two high school students, big-shot football players, sexually assaulted a girl who was passed out drunk at a party. She only knew what had happened to her when the photos started appearing on social media. She had the courage to press charges and speak up. The boys were found guilty of the crime and spent time in prison. All three of their young lives changed. As the boys said in court, “Our lives are ruined.” I suspect he’s right.
School is about learning and, perhaps the most important thing you are learning is about yourself. I’ll ask again. What kind of man do you want to be? What kind of man will you be? Because let’s agree that simply not being the instigator of an assault or not being an active or even passive participant is not even close to enough. I know I don’t need to say that.
We need to be better than that. I think what we need to reflect on is the silence. The silence that at least 50 Cornell students reportedly left hanging in the air while a young woman was allegedly raped. The silence that meant a young woman in Steubenville only came to understand what happened to her when she saw pictures on other people’s social media. The silence that is, I think, the one thing I want you to remember from this morning and our commitment to not remain silent.
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What do we do when someone makes a degrading joke about a girl or woman and the whole group laughs?
What do you do if someone shows you a private photograph that was never meant for you?
What would you do when a group chat turns cruel, or a friend starts talking about someone as though she is a prize to be won or a possession to be had?
Do you join in? Do you stay quiet because you don’t want to make things awkward? Do you tell yourself that your friend doesn’t really mean it? That he’s a good guy after all just doing something stupid.
Do you choose voice or do you choose silence?
I’ve been here a long time. I’ve worked with a lot of kids. I was also a young man once too. I know that silence is safe. I know that silence allows us to keep being one of the boys. I know why silence is the safer path.
But silence is the opposite of safe to the girls and women we care about. Our silence is their risk. Our silence can be their harm. Our silence allows the men who do harm women to continue to do so. And our silence makes us complicit in that harm.
And, this is the thing from an old man that cares for you. That silence is insidious. Our silence doesn’t just allow harm to others, to women. It eats away at us, as men. Knowing something is wrong, and knowing that we know others around know it’s wrong, and none of us saying so is corrosive in men. It’s the silence that numbs young men’s souls. It’s the same silence that keeps men, that keeps us, feeling alone when we need to not be alone. It’s what stops men from asking for help.
Silence can be framed as some manly quality. “The strong silent type.” Don’t believe that. It is not strong. Please believe me. What is truly masculine and strong is breaking silence. We need to be brave. Not silent. Decide that the man you are and the man you will be will not be silent.
Decide now, decide today, that you are going to be that man who does not stand by in silence.
The words are easy enough. The courage to say them is the strength of the person you are:
To the joke or gesture: “That’s enough.”
To the person sharing the image: “Don’t send me that.”
To the person showing you the image: “Delete it.”
You might need to tell a friend: “This is wrong. Don’t do it.”
Silence is the weak part. That’s what will really leave anyone feeling shame. The real strength is in not being silent.
The “why” is because we can’t be silent. For the women in our lives, for anyone who is alone and vulnerable and, ultimately, for ourselves. We can’t be silent because we just can’t live with the harmful impact of silence.
And when breaking the silence is about something more serious and more injurious, when the breaking of the silence makes sure someone gets home safely or stops an attack like what happened in Steubenville requires a remarkable amount of courage. It may be the most courageous thing you ever do.
We practice fire drills and lockdown drills to make sure we are ready to act in the case of an actual situation. I’d like to suggest how you might manage a situation like the ones I’ve been describing. Let’s talk about it now, in this safe space, and maybe in the actual situation you can remember this training.
First, do what you can to not let it get anywhere near this situation. If you see someone, male or female, who has had too much to drink or is otherwise unable to take care of themselves, whether you know them or not, you need to help keep them safe. If it is your friend, get an Uber, get in with them and take them home. Or call their parents and introduce yourself and tell them to come pick up their kid. Do not leave someone who can’t take care of themself alone. Ever. They need to get home safely.
If it is a girl, I recognize that there can be added difficulty. Find her friends. Tell them they NEED to take her home. Or they NEED to call her parents to come and get her. If they won’t or don’t, then you need to call her parents yourself to come and get her. Or you need to stay with her until she can do that for herself. Keep a friend with you. Do not leave her alone.
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And yes. I recognize I am asking you, instructing you to do something that is incredibly courageous. As I said before and I’ll say again, this might be the most important thing you ever do.
If you sense a situation where someone else is at risk or vulnerable to be assaulted or is being assaulted and isn’t able to say no, or isn’t being listened to when she does say no, well there’s only one option. You need to do whatever you can to stop it. No silence. You need to speak up and act. You are loud instead of silent.
This is an enormous act of courage. To be the person to say, “No. This is not happening” in a situation like this may be risky, and will certainly be lonely. The high road is not well travelled.
You don’t need to do this alone. You should not do this alone. Again, find her friends and get them involved. Find the other person who will stand with you and say, “That’s not right. That does not happen!” At the party, in the park, by the lake or wherever you are, find those people who will stand with you. I promise they are there and they are waiting for someone to say something first. I think you’ll find a lot of them in this room right now. If there’s one person ready to be the first in, there are always a lot willing to follow.
Somewhere in all of this, it’s time to call your parents. Especially if speaking up or acting may put you at risk. And even if that’s not the case. I promise you, as a father of three kids who’ve been out in the real world, I promise you your parents or the trusted adult in your life will not be upset with you. They won’t be mad that you’re somewhere where drinking or drugs are going on and you need help. They will be ready to help. They will be glad to help. They will be proud of you for getting help. Tell them where you are and what’s going on. Tell them you need them to help you stop this. Tell them you cannot and will not be silent.
If saying no doesn’t stop it, then you do what you do when there’s an emergency to get help. You make something big happen. Pull a fire alarm. Break a window. Push the yellow strip on the subway. Someone being assaulted is an emergency and it requires a big, loud response.
If you need to call an adult in this room, you can do that. If you need to call me, you call me. At the end of this talk I’m going to give you permission to pull out your phone and take my number. Hundreds of RSGC kids have my cell number and I’ve never, ever regretted sharing it. I have taken more than one call from a Georgian, at university who found himself a little out of his league and needed help. And I know I’m not the only adult in this room who has done so. I love you. I will do it again.
Today, you should go home and tell your parents that we talked about this in Chapel. “Mr. Beatty talked to us about the Cornell story. I will not be silent. But I might need your help.” Tell them you want to be able to call them, without questions or consequences, to help you do the right thing in a situation like this. You can tell them Mr. Beatty said so.
This is a tough conversation. I wish we didn’t have to have it. But we do because we live in the real world and we simply can’t be silent. I know you. I know that’s the kind of man you want to be and the kind of man you will be.
The full text can be read here.