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When you become a parent, you’re bombarded with bits and pieces of advice, each of which promises to be the secret to producing an optimized child: “Do this one thing, and your child is guaranteed to be successful!”
I’ve ignored much of this random advice over the years, except for one suggestion, which is to eat meals together as a family. From the beginning, I’ve always made a point of sitting down to eat with my kids. Whether it’s two of us or all of us, whether the meal is simple or fancy, whether we have 10 minutes or an hour, the act of sharing a meal is non-negotiable – and undeniably beneficial.
The science behind the value of family mealtime is impressive. Dr. Amy Fishel, executive director of the Family Dinner Project, cites decades of research showing that regular family dinners are associated with lower rates of depression, anxiety, substance abuse, eating disorders, obesity, tobacco use and early teenage pregnancy, as well as higher rates of resilience and self-esteem. Cardiovascular health improves thanks to nutritious homemade food. Preschoolers demonstrate a bigger vocabulary, and older kids show better academic performance. Eighty per cent of teens say they would rather eat with their parents than alone in front of a screen or with their peers, and that mealtime is when they’re most likely to talk to their parents. Despite all of this, a mere 30 per cent of families have dinner together on a nightly basis.
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There is much for kids to learn during family dinners, including skills such as how to set a table and do the dishes. They learn to cook by helping in the kitchen. Their palates develop through exposure to new foods, which they are more inclined to try if they see others enjoying them. The dinner table is a training ground for etiquette, a rare opportunity to sit without the distraction of digital devices. It teaches patience. A child should resist the urge to dig in until everyone is served, the cook is seated or grace has been said. They must wait for slower eaters to finish their meal and remain seated until they have been excused.
Mealtime is a chance to engage in conversation and hear what others have to say. It’s the place where young children discover empathy, usually by listening to their siblings and feel like they matter to their parents. It’s where kids hear about current events and start to voice opinions. In her book, The Smartest Kids in the World, Amanda Ripley says that, worldwide, the kids whose parents engaged them in conversation about books, movies and politics scored better on the reading portion of the international PISA (Program for International Student Assessment) test.
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There are some great ways to stimulate conversation around the table. My kids like to play a game called “rose, bud, thorn,” in which we take turns describing one good thing that happened to us (the rose), something we’re looking forward to (the bud) and a challenge we faced (the thorn). Another version is “high, low, buffalo,” where the buffalo is something surprising that occurred. Often, we go around the table, saying what we are thankful for. I have a friend who asks what the most life-giving and life-taking experiences were in each day.
Sometimes conversation can be more structured, where you actively train kids’ critical thinking skills by presenting a topic with different perspectives. Ask your kid’s opinion, play devil’s advocate by expressing a counter opinion and then encourage your kid to respond to your point of view. You might also challenge family members to come up with an impromptu one-minute speech on any topic, which provides entertainment, sparks discussion and builds verbal skills.
None of this is meant to create more work for an already overloaded parent. This is about recognizing the potential that exists in gathering to eat with our children, even if the food is as basic as takeout pizza. No matter how busy your life gets, make time to sit down together. Fishel says that parents might enjoy mealtime more if they spent time thinking about how to engage their children, rather than focusing on what’s being served. At the end of the day, kids will remember the feeling that exists around a table, long after the food itself has been forgotten.