Illustration by THE GLOBE AND MAIL/ISTOCK
Ask a Therapist is a new series of columns offering insights and advice about common psychological concerns. It is not a substitute for seeking professional psychological or medical care.
Caregiving is a common responsibility, and women, in particular, frequently provide care to children or care-needing adults, such as aging parents. According to Statistics Canada, in 2022, more than half of women provided care to children or adults, with most of this care being unpaid. Many women are also “sandwich caregivers” to their children and parents simultaneously.
While caregiving has benefits, such as a sense of purpose, it often comes with negative effects, including fatigue, worry and anxiety. Caregiving may lead to disrupted sleep, irritability, feelings of overwhelm, brain fog and depressive symptoms. The demands of caregiving make it more challenging to meet other responsibilities, and some unpaid caregivers have to adjust their work schedule or give up paid work altogether, increasing financial stress.
Caregiver stress is characterized by a feeling of “too much”: too many responsibilities, and too much worry. If caregiver stress is consistently high and accumulates, it can lead to caregiver burnout, a state of emotional and physical exhaustion. Burnout includes feelings of depletion, detachment, reduced personal accomplishment, decreased interest, social withdrawal and neglect of self-care.
Even in close-knit families, caring for aging parents takes its toll on sibling relationships
Taking small and realistic steps to manage caregiver stress and prevent or ease caregiver burden is essential for maintaining a sense of well-being. It is helpful to view practising coping skills not as extra tasks, but as doable and necessary interventions for your health.
These six skills can help you manage caregiver stress without adding to your overall load.
1. Reframe unhelpful thoughts
Thoughts such as “I should be doing more” or “I have so much going on that I am not doing anything well” drive stress and a sense of guilt. Practise non-judgmentally noticing and naming these thoughts: “Oh, there is the ‘I should be doing more thought,’” and replace it with a more helpful and balanced one such as, “I am doing the best I can.” You can also replace “I should” thoughts with “I choose to,” to affirm your sense of agency.
2. Ask others for help
It can be challenging to ask for help, yet delegating tasks to others can lighten your load. Keep a list of five small jobs that need to get done, such as “pick up milk” or “sit with Mom for 20 minutes,” and ask someone else to do one of them. And if a friend asks, “How can I help?” you can simply consult your list.
3. Use social support strategically
Some people in your life may be great at listening (providing emotional support), and others enjoy tasks like mowing the lawn (providing instrumental support). If you go to the wrong person for a certain type of help, it can feel disappointing and frustrating. So, be aware of what the people in your circle are good at, strategically select who you go to depending on the type of assistance you need, and aim to balance emotional and instrumental support.
4. Breathe to relax
Sigh breathing is a type of breathing that has been shown to enhance mood and reduce physiological arousal. You can practise by inhaling deeply through your nose, then taking a second, short inhale, followed by a long, slow exhale, or sigh, through your mouth, making a “ha” sound. Make the exhale longer than the inhale. Repeat up to three times. Weave this breathing into your daily routine. For example, take a few sigh breaths before getting out of the car to enter your house where caregiving duties await.
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5. Set boundaries
Caregiver burnout can arise when you consistently push past your limits, leading to a state of exhaustion. Setting and maintaining boundaries allows you to work within your limits and prevents depletion.
The “boundary circle exercise” can help you increase awareness of your limits. Draw a big circle on a piece of paper and, within the circle, write down what you need to function adequately each day. These are your non-negotiables. For example, at least six hours of sleep a night, 30 minutes of quiet time or a walk outside.
Next, write down anything that threatens what is inside the circle, such as regularly staying up until midnight doing chores, on the outside of the circle. These are the elements that are pushing you past your limits.
Pick one of the items outside the circle that you can practise setting a boundary with. For example, stopping work on chores by 8 p.m.
Another way to set boundaries and stick to them is to conduct a “one-minute boundary audit,” or self-check, at the end of each day by asking yourself these three questions:
- Did I do something today out of guilt (or a sense of should) rather than genuine capacity?
- Did I ignore a physical signal (hunger, pain, tiredness) to meet a non-urgent request?
- Is there one task I can delegate or delete from my schedule tomorrow?
6. Communicate your needs
Direct and effective communication supports your boundaries and well-being. Using “I” statements is a form of effective communication: I feel [emotion] when [action] happens, and what I need is [specific limit].
For example: “I feel overwhelmed when I have to give updates to the whole family regularly, and what I need is for everyone to check the group chat instead.”
Practising these skills will help you provide care to others while also taking care of yourself.
Jennifer Caspari, PhD, is a Registered Psychologist in British Columbia. She works at Tall Tree Integrated Health in Vancouver and is the author of You Are More Than Your Body.
