It’s great for a child to have clear, established rules and a solid after-school routine, but going to a grandparent’s house can be a little different from home. Bedtime might be later, dessert might come before dinner or extra TV time might be on the menu. Usually, small discrepancies in rules are pretty harmless and often what make a grandparent-grandchild relationship so special. But when are these behaviors considered boundary-crossing and undermine parental authority? A licensed family psychologist says that while having different rules at a grandparent’s house is sometimes not an issue, there are certain lines that shouldn’t be crossed.
While grandparents don’t necessarily have to follow every parental rule to a T, it’s important to have conversations about boundaries and respect. After all, certain situations can create confusion during a child’s upbringing if spending time at a grandparent’s house is radically different from home.
From openly contradicting a parent’s authority to asking children to ignore reasonable requests, some grandparent behavior can create tension, erode trust and create anxiety for a child over time. The real question to ask is: how can grandparents maintain a sense of fun at their house and enjoy a close relationship with grandchildren without overstepping?
Licensed psychologist Dr. Crystal Saidi, PsyD, breaks all of this down for us below and includes the biggest line that should never be crossed.
Related: We Asked 3 Child Psychologists the One Thing Grandkids Need Most From Their Grandparents—They All Said the Same Thing
Can Grandparents Have Different Rules? The ‘Line You Shouldn’t Cross’
In short, Dr. Saidi says that different rules aren’t actually a bad thing at all if your child is visiting grandparents.
“Children will learn that different environments have different rules, just as they do at school or other people’s homes,” she explains. “The important thing to remember is that different rules shouldn’t mean disregarding the parent’s authority or risking the child’s safety.”
She says that smaller rules are safe to bend, such as a later bedtime, a little extra screen time or a special treat after dinner at a grandparent’s home.
“It only becomes a problem if the different rules undermine important parenting decisions, create risks or teach children that rules can be ignored if someone else is in charge,” she warns.
And the uncrossable line? “Safety,” Dr. Saidi states.
“Anything that undermines safety or respect for parental authority,” she continues. “Some examples could be ignoring a food allergy, using physical punishment or exposing children to unsafe situations.”
Related: Family Psychologists Reveal What Grandkids Remember Most About Their Grandparents
Harmless Spoiling vs. Unhealthy Boundary-Crossing: What’s Okay?
Getty Images
Smaller indulgences like the ones Dr. Saidi listed above are considered harmless spoiling. Giving a child extra sweets, allowing them extra play time or little privileges they may not get to enjoy at home as much are totally okay for children as long as they don’t undermine parental authority. On the other hand, it’s important for grandparents to have a clear understanding of at-home rules and where the line is.
“Boundary-crossing is when a grandparent knowingly disregards an important parental decision or rule,” she explains.
To give an example, the psychologist says that if you’ve established a strict “no screen time after dinner” rule, then this is a case when a grandparent shouldn’t undermine this at their house. It would only be appropriate to allow a little extra screen time if it’s already allowed after dinner.
4 Signs Grandparents Have Crossed the Line, According to a Family Psychologist
1. They repeatedly disregard safety rules
As Dr. Saidi mentioned above, there are certain lines you just don’t cross, and safety rules are a big one to take seriously.
“Ignoring allergies, car seat requirements or medication instructions are all dangerous to the child and put them at risk,” she adds. “Safety rules cannot be negotiable.”
2. Undermining parents in front of the child
Undermining parental authority in front of a child is a big no-no, according to Dr. Saidi.
“Doing this in front of the child can put them in the middle of adult conflicts and erode parental authority,” she explains.
If grandparents do this, it can suggest that the parent’s decision is unreasonable. These types of interactions can create confusion about boundaries and teach children that rules can be bent with the right adult.
3. Encouraging deception
Encouraging secrecy and dishonesty at a grandparent’s house isn’t good for a child’s moral development at baseline, but it also sets a bad precedent with parents.
“Asking a child to hide something from their parents can damage trust,” Dr. Saidi notes. “Children should feel safe telling their parents everything.”
This can also put children in an uncomfortable position and, over time, could create unnecessary guilt, anxiety and confusion about who they can trust.
4. Refusing to respect reasonable boundaries
Dr. Saidi says that this is a big one. Proper boundaries should always be respected—even if grandparents disagree.
“Occasional misunderstandings can happen, but repeatedly ignoring a parent’s explicit request suggests a deeper issue with respect and trust,” she states.
While it’s normal for grandparents and parents to have different opinions about raising children, ignoring boundaries can then make parents feel that their role and judgment aren’t being respected.
Related: We Asked 3 Child Psychologists What Fall Activity Is Best for Grandparents and Grandkids—They All Said the Same Thing
How To Set Boundaries with Grandparents Without Causing a Family Feud
Setting boundaries with grandparents isn’t always easy, but Dr. Saidi says there are ways to go about it without creating tension within the family.
“It helps to lead with appreciation, then being clear about the boundaries and expectations,” she explains. “For example, saying, ‘Thank you so much for making their visits special. We are OK with occasional treats, but please make sure to be mindful of their allergies.'”
If there are ever disagreements, she also says there’s something important to remember.
“Talk privately and not in front of the child,” she stresses. “I would also add to focus on the behavior itself and not their character. For example, saying, ‘When we ask you not to do something, and it happens anyway, it makes it harder for us to feel comfortable leaving her with you’ is better than saying, ‘You never listen or respect us!'”
The same applies if there needs to be a discussion about boundaries and rules. Leading with love and appreciation is key, but communicate to them that you’re not comfortable with important rules being disregarded.
Up Next:
Related: Family Psychologists Reveal What Grandkids Remember Most About Their Grandparents
Source:
- Dr. Crystal Saidi, PsyD, is a licensed psychologist with Thriveworks in Irvine, CA.