I’ve dated across Canada, like it’s my job, and have lots of thoughts. The main thing I discovered is this: dating in Canada is aggressively geographic.
Three different major cities — no apps, no algorithm, no curated bio. Just raw, in-person interaction and whatever personality happened to be seated across from me.
From Toronto lawyers to Montreal creatives and Vancouver ski bros — the results of my romantic life have been chaotic yet informative.
Here’s a closer look at what I’ve learned, and how Montreal stacks up to other cities.
Montreal
Most likely to: Have a hyphen in their name
We can’t talk Montreal without talking about Anglophones vs. Francophones.
Let’s start with the transplants: You will be hard-pressed to find an Anglophone who is employed in a way that suggests he has, or will ever have, a career.
You will, however, have your choice between “DJs,” “artists,” or “back of the house” at restaurants. No shade to the back of the house, by the way. I always prefer that over a male hostess. That is a 19-year-old girl’s summer job.
The MTL Anglophone is a particular type of man, but I will let you in on a sickening secret: the ones that do have a career are even worse than the ones that don’t.
The salaried guys who don’t rely on tips to pay rent? They have vague and corporate jobs like “finance.” They live in places like Griffintown (why?). They love a Zara chino with a cuffed ankle in spring (dump him).
The truth is, MTL can be a transient place. Lots of people go to McGill or Concordia, but eventually bounce after getting their degree. If they don’t move to Europe (they won’t), they eventually move back home.
If you do have an ex who happens to stay in the province… brace yourself.
If you do not marry him, your Montreal-based ex will end up hooking up with your friend. He will hook up with your enemies. If he could hook up with your mom, he would. If his name is Jean-Paul and he smokes a pack of Belmonts a day, he probably will do it. Nothing is off the table.
As far as the Francophones are concerned — as someone who failed French 10,11, and 12 — I would not know. What I do know is that if his name is Jean-Francois, Jean-Pierre, Pierre-Luc or, worst of all, Jean-Baptiste, it is a firm no from me.
Pro tip: If you don’t get out much, get out more. Montreal Hinge is the elephant graveyard and Raya (should you be lame enough to pay for it) is useless.
Dating score: 6.5/10
Toronto
Most likely to: Have a secret “old money” themed Pinterest board
Dating in Toronto is weird because there are the Harvey Specter-types and then there are the guys who you will see at the Spadina subway station. There’s no in-between. And I’ve dated both.
The Harvey Specter prototype is, in many ways, what we would call a geek. But he doesn’t think this. He actually thinks the opposite — that he is cool and suave, giving James Bond.
In reality he’s giving Zara blue suit and not much else.
He can talk about wine in more in-depth ways than simply “boxed” or “not boxed.” He knows what tannins are. And if you dare indulge him, he will teach you what they are, too.
Beware though: he is a big “after-work drinks” guy. Should you strike up a relationship with him, at some point this will become code for “cheating.”
Now, Harvey Specter is a step up from the MTL Finance Bro — but not by much. If he’s a lawyer, good luck. He will trick you into thinking he can provide for you, but really, he’s a junior associate and will be working to pay off his student loans for the next 50 years.
He does have a cleaner who comes once a week, though, so that’s nice.
However, he also counts his steps and tries to take the stairs when he can… so that cancels out.
You might also consider dating an ex-art school “creative” but here’s some advice: Don’t. You might briefly be amazed at these hipsters’ ability to never have a real job and still afford a $7 coffee three times a day. But spoiler alert: It’s their parents paying.
These art boys also, unfortunately, wear Zara; they’re just hitting a different rack. A rack with fisherman sweaters and suede Chelsea boots.
Toronto’s dating scene is chaotic, but it has one major advantage: volume. You can sample every genre of man in a single fiscal quarter. Will it end in romance? Rarely. Will it end in a dramatic retelling over martinis with your girlfriends? Always.
Pro tip: If he’s a lawyer and you’re not — skip it. Lawyers can only date lawyers. They can also divorce them without having to shell out for legal fees. So in the end, it pays for itself.
Dating score: 7/10
Vancouver
Most likely to: Split the bill and/or be hiding his true sexuality
Ok, I’m originally from Vancouver, so I’m gonna go hardest here. Vancouver men are brutal. Full stop.
Unofficially, Vancouver has the most attractive women per capita anywhere in Canada. And therein lies the problem.
When you have an entire city full of 10/10 women who hike, lift, juice, do hot yoga, have perfect skin year-round, and can still drink you under the table like a so-called cool girl, the men start to miscalculate their market value.
My unofficial math says the ratio is about 1:30. For every genuinely dateable man, thirty single stunners are trying to fall in love.
These men go out with super hot women, and instead of being humbled and grateful, they develop a God complex and turn into professional Hinge swipers who stay out until 4 a.m. talking about their bad app ideas with each other and calling it a “business meeting.”
I so badly want to drop these dudes into the middle of Hollywood Blvd. in L.A. and watch them get humbled by the ten Pink Taco waiters who look all like Chris Evans.
Now, because I’m an equal opportunist, I’m gonna roast the ladies too. Y’all are part of the problem. When you reward mediocrity because his dad has a boat in Deep Cove, you inflate the ecosystem. When you reply to a text sent after 10 p.m. when he hasn’t hit you back all day, you perpetuate the cycle!
Stop dating men you are visibly hotter than just because they work in “real estate development.” None of us even know what that means. Don’t be so desperate (I’m sorry, some of you are). Don’t be a gold digger. Put the shovel down, babe. Buy your own Superpuff jacket.
Make these guys grateful they’ve even had the opportunity to take out a full-package gym-rat hottie who can hold a plank for 45 minutes.
Pro tip: Date someone who is not from Vancouver. The further east you go, the better. Skip Burnaby, and then keep going (but stop at Surrey and then take a left at the roundabout and keep going to Port Coquitlam).
Dating score: 2/10
Next stop: New Brunswick!
This article has been updated from its original publication date.
The views expressed in this Opinion article are the author’s own and do not necessarily reflect the views of Narcity Media.
