Illustration by The Globe and Mail/iStock
Ask a Child Psychologist offers insights and advice on navigating youth emotional and mental well–being. It is not a substitute for professional psychological or medical advice.
Every year, families across Canada get ready for the spookiest night. Halloween reminds us that it can be fun to be just a little bit scared. Some children, though, may experience intense feelings of anxiety at Halloween and throughout the year. While some levels of anxiety are to be expected in childhood, many parents struggle to understand what is typical and what requires professional help.
To answer these questions, I consider three things. First, I take into account the child’s age. A five year old intensely afraid of the dark is not the same thing as a 15 year old experiencing the same thing. Many fears are developmentally expected at one age but become more concerning if they persist well beyond the years in which they are typically seen.
Next, I consider the intensity, frequency and duration of the symptoms. Is it an occasional fear that comes and goes, or has it become persistent and overwhelming? Finally, I think about the level to which the symptoms are getting in the way of the child’s quality of life and ability to function.
While parents often focus on the content of fears, clinicians think more about what those fears are preventing children from doing and enjoying. If a fear is getting in the way of daily life, clinicians begin to think about whether it has moved beyond typical development and into the realm of a phobia or anxiety disorder.
Why do I start with a child’s age? Because research shows that what children fear changes as they grow. Here are some of the common fears seen at different stages of development and how parents can respond.
Early childhood (birth to school age)
Concrete, immediate and imaginary threats are the focus of anxiety in the youngest of children. Infants and toddlers fear things such as loud noises, strangers and separation from caregivers. Magical thinking is common in young children, and it is not unusual for parents to hear worries about monsters and the dark.
One of the most frequent mistakes I see parents make is trying to convince young children that monsters don’t exist. Children this age aren’t always looking for logic. They’re looking for the confidence to feel afraid and discover that they can handle it. Instead of insisting, “Monsters aren’t real,” try saying, “I know it feels scary. You’re safe, and I know you can handle feeling a little scared.” The goal is not to argue the fear away but to lend children our confidence until they begin to find their own.
School age
Although imaginary fears do not disappear overnight, as children make their way into school and begin to understand the world around them, fears tend to become more realistic. This is the time when children will start to worry about natural disasters, injuries, illness and death.
Parents can help children at this stage by allowing them to ask difficult questions and answering as honestly as possible in language children can understand.
Is your kid feeling scared by AI doomsday warnings? Here’s how to talk about it
Tween years
As children move towards adolescence, they are better able to evaluate their progress in relation to that of other children. Social comparison and performance anxiety are common. Children at this age often worry about how they look, whether they “fit in,” who is popular and how well they are doing in school or on sports teams.
It is important for parents to make ample time for kids this age. It is not necessary to solve every problem. A steady, non-judgmental presence can be very reassuring.
Adolescence
Social comparisons ramp up even further in adolescence, and for many young people, social media amplifies these comparisons. Anxieties around peer acceptance, body image, school achievement and romantic interests are more prevalent. Being judged is the big fear for many kids this age.
It is easy for parents to underestimate how much their adolescents still need them. This is especially true for an anxious teen. Parents can help by making time to simply be with their teens – a drive in the car, a walk or a late-night snack. Try not to jump in with advice or solutions. Sometimes listening is enough. Adolescents may not always show it, but they still need to know we are there.
What should you say to teens feeling pressured to fit in?
Young adulthood
Fears tend to be future-oriented by this age. Young adults feel apprehension about postsecondary transitions and careers. In my own practice, I increasingly hear young people anxious about what jobs will still exist with the onset of AI. Young adults also tend to worry more about global issues, including climate change and world peace.
(Interestingly, anxiety may have come full circle here. Are fears about AI all that different than fearing the dark? Perhaps both are simply fears of the unknown.)
When fear stands in the way
Experiencing developmentally expected anxiety is not a problem. What becomes problematic is if the frequency, severity and duration of fears prevent children and youth from doing things that they would normally want to do. In other words, when the fears get in the way of leading a full life.
For example, are birthday parties and family events avoided due to a fear of loud noises? Does a promising young athlete shrink away from a tryout because they fear failure? Or does a child refuse to leave the house while their neighbour is walking the dog because life has become organized around avoiding the dog? These can be signs that anxiety has gone beyond what is developmentally expected and requires professional support.
Addressing fears and catching patterns early before they become entrenched can make all the difference. Leaning into anxiety by gradually facing feared situations helps to ensure the child’s world doesn’t shrink. Encouraging children to explore the outskirts of their comfort zone helps their worlds expand.
After all, the goal isn’t to raise children who are never scared – it’s to help them become brave enough to keep walking, even when life occasionally feels a little spooky.
Dr. Jillian Roberts is a practicing registered psychologist in several provinces and a research professor of educational psychology at the University of Victoria. She specializes in child and adolescent development, family therapy and inclusive education.