Unpaid caregiving is a pressing issue in Canada, especially as the population ages. For many Canadians, caregiving for a loved one such as an ailing spouse or partner can bring rewards as well as challenges, including loneliness and isolation.
In this instalment of Conscience Call – a new series exploring everyday ethical, moral and philosophical dilemmas – we pose a reader’s question about whether it’s wrong to seek romantic companionship while caring for a terminally ill partner to an expert for advice.
Do you have a dilemma you’d like some guidance on? Tell us about it here. Some details may be changed to protect the privacy of the people profiled.
Our reader “Fred” from Ottawa writes:
My partner of 17 years was diagnosed with an incurable disease several years ago. She was given six to eight years to live. It’s a hideous disease similar to ALS or Parkinson’s that has robbed her of physical health. After several years of home care, she was finally admitted to a long-term care facility last year. I visit her three times a week for half days to feed her breakfast and lunch. In between the meals, I do my best to entertain her, talk to her and do what I can to make it as pleasant as possible. I have a super nice, retired personal support worker go for half days when I’m not there.
Physically, she is a quadriplegic and requires assistance for everything. She is also non-verbal now. She does, however, understand what I tell her and communicates her displeasure by “fussing.”
I will continue to be by her side until the end.
However, I long for female companionship and struggle with the idea of dating. I’m a healthy 70ish but know that time flies and I want to experience … more!
I know my desire is natural but is it ethical or moral?
From the ethicist: Monique Lanoix, associate professor of philosophy and director of the School of Ethics and Public Affairs at Saint Paul University in Ottawa. Her research focuses on the ethics of caregiving, aging and long-term care.
There are several unknowns here, including what does commitment mean for this reader? Some people who are very religious, or who believe marriage is good until the end, will say, “Well, you know, I long for female companionship. However, I will do without in order to be as fully present as possible.”
But I don’t think seeking companionship necessarily means abandoning that commitment. For example, I know of someone whose wife developed a very aggressive type of dementia. He wanted to keep her at home, but it just wasn’t possible. She moved into a centre that specializes in dementia, and he knew somebody who had lived through something similar with her husband. They formed a relationship.
Caregiving is, to a certain degree, a collective enterprise. And he needs to be supported. I would say it’s not cheating. He has needs and she has needs. It looks like he can manage both. He can still be there for her and yet be in another relationship. His commitment is to ensure that her quality of life is as good as possible, which he’s doing by visiting regularly and making sure she has companionship when he’s not.
In fact, another relationship could enhance the care he’s providing. He’d be a happier person, assuming it’s a good relationship. It seems to me that he should pursue female companionship and be upfront with the women he will encounter. I don’t see it as a morally wrong action on his part.
But what about telling his partner? Her level of understanding and her emotional state are important considerations. It’s too vague for me to assess. Some neurological diseases will make the person more emotional. Unless he’s sure that his wife would understand, perhaps I wouldn’t tell her. Why hurt her feelings, right? What I’m looking at is the amount of harm. Dating somebody would not harm his wife at all. Telling her might. The relationship itself doesn’t impact her care but telling her about it could cause distress.
Right? Left? Blue? Red? How do I choose a side when no partly reflects all my values?
Of course, a new partner would have to understand his circumstances. Let’s say he meets somebody, and they say, “Well, you need to give up on your wife.” He would probably decide to terminate that relationship because the relationship to his wife is important. He’s been in a committed relationship, and I would say he’s still in a committed relationship. However, the relationship has changed. People can love several people at once. We love partners. We love our kids. Can we put a limit on our propensity to love?
If he’s asking whether he’s a bad person for wanting companionship, I would say to him: You’re not a bad person. A bad person is somebody who inflicts harm on another individual, and you’re not inflicting harm on her. You’re there and you continue to be there. In fact, you’re a very good person because you’re struggling with this and reflecting on it. You’re considering the implications.
If you’re not satisfied with your life, it’s hard to be a caregiver. I would say he should give himself permission to pursue other relationships, understanding that he requires companionship.
We have a large capacity for love. As long as his wife’s needs are met and there’s no harm willfully inflicted, it can certainly enrich his life.
As told to Shawna Cohen. Responses have been edited and condensed.