Dear Sangita: My “work husband” and I have a LOT of chemistry. My actual husband is starting to notice. I haven’t crossed the line, nor has my work husband, but that’s almost made it worse — it’s like there’s tension simmering underneath our interactions sometimes. There are a lot of work socials, and so my actual husband has seen us together quite a bit now, and he’s starting to notice there’s something there too. I’m very happy with my work situation and home situation, and I don’t want anything to change. But for some reason I’m feeling a little guilty now… — Can’t a girl have both?
Dear CAGHB: You know exactly what’s going on: you’re having an emotional affair. You’re already in it! When you say you both haven’t crossed that line, I assume you’re talking about the physical line, but you know you’re in the wrong already. If your husband is starting to notice, it’s because you’re getting caught in the way you’re acting toward this guy. The fact that your husband hasn’t said anything about it yet makes me think that he just doesn’t want to ruffle any feathers, but you’ve already done that by engaging in this emotional affair. I think you need to acknowledge that you have feelings for this guy. It could just be flirtatious infatuation — in fact, it probably is! — but it’s not fair to your husband. If you want to save your marriage, you may have to leave this job or step into a different department at the company, because it’s difficult to have a clean slate with someone when you’re seeing them nine to five every day.
Dear Sangita: My wife got mad that I wouldn’t have sex with her on a vacation with my entire family. But my parents were in the connecting room next door! This was our first vacation in a long time and our first together since having a kid, and I was mostly just looking forward to a few days of relaxing and sleeping in. She said she’d have to “adjust her expectations” going forward if this is “how I’m going to be.” I thought it would be obvious that we wouldn’t be having sex if my parents were next door like that. And I’ve frankly been too tired for sex these days anyway. Was she being fair? — No sex on the beach
Dear NSOTB: If you guys always had sex on vacation before this, then I’m sure she did have an expectation. This was your first trip together after having a kid, and maybe the expectations and pressure you put on yourself were high too. Yes, your family was there, but is it possible you used that as an excuse because you didn’t feel up for sex? You mention how tired you are. Clearly this part of life is taking a toll on your own health but also on your relationship’s health. Your wife should be sensitive to that. If she hasn’t picked up on that, that’s kind of concerning to me. It’s time to have an honest conversation about how your desires might be misaligned right now and how you can help each other through this. Scheduling sex can help!
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