To reframe Mother’s Day without a mom, they created their own kind of pity party | Canada Voices

Ever since Emily Manasc, 31, lost her mother six years ago, Mother’s Day has been tough. While others in her social circle enjoyed brunch with their moms, she felt isolated and alone.

From the Mother’s Day displays in store windows to the bombardment of happy photos on social media, “you’re constantly faced with the fact that your mom’s not there any more,” says the Toronto-based interior designer.

To cope, Manasc says she would typically try to ignore Mother’s Day, to “shut off and do nothing.” Then, in 2024, she saw a Facebook post about an event in Toronto called Motherless Day.

“I thought, ‘I need to go to this,’” Manasc says, and she’s been attending ever since.

At Motherless Day events, which take place in Toronto, Vancouver and Winnipeg, people gather on Mother’s Day to celebrate their moms and grieve their loss in the company of others who have been through the same thing. Over three hours, there are snacks and drinks from local vendors, crafting activities like collaging, flower-pressing and bracelet-making, live poetry, goody bags to take home, storytelling and connection.

“A lot of people would think an event like this is super sad and everyone’s sitting around crying. But we’re actually having a good time,” Manasc says. “Sure, there’s tears, but it’s more about connecting with other people who really genuinely get it.”

Manasc adds that for her, Motherless Day removes the shame of still grieving for her mom, when many people in her life make her feel like she should have gotten over it by now.

“I love talking about my mom,” she says. “At these events I can be open about it and everyone in the room celebrates her with me and that’s so beautiful. Just doing that, I don’t feel quite as alone.”

Motherless Day was conceived by Amanda Katz, 31, who lost her own mom when she was 21. She calls it the “pity party you actually want to go to.”

“Rather than sit around and wait for a space to exist that might be able to include us in it, why don’t I try and make something that’s different?” Katz says, of her motivation to start the event. “Let’s create a space to commemorate our moms but also celebrate them.” Katz, who lives in Toronto, is executive director of Homeless Cars, a car donation charity.

Katz says Motherless Day attendees tend to be women between the ages of 25 and 35. “Most people haven’t experienced the loss of their mom yet at that age, so you’re feeling really alone in your loss,” she notes. It’s a stage in your life filled with milestones such as graduations, promotions, weddings and becoming a parent – events that can be painful without a mom.

She runs the Motherless Day events with Nikki Lewis, who moved to Vancouver from Toronto five years ago and reconnected with Katz after seeing a Facebook post about Motherless Day. Lewis lost her own mom while heading into her second year of university and knew she wanted to get involved.

“We often say we’re rewriting the script,” says Lewis, 31, who works in brand marketing. “We’re reclaiming the day that people think is no longer for us to partake in when we absolutely have the right.”

Sam Teichman, 29, is a PhD candidate at Simon Fraser University in Burnaby. She comes to the Motherless Day events wearing “two hats,” she says. Teichman lost her mom at 15, but she’s also a grief researcher who thinks a lot about how society supports people through loss.

“I think as grievers, we bump up against these unwritten rules about timelines and how to regulate our emotions. And this space felt like the opposite. It invited that full spectrum of grief. There was love, there was joy, there was sadness, and none of that felt out of place,” she says.

Teichman says the gentle, art-based activities enable participants to “choose your own adventure,” and decide how they want to participate.

“When words feel too heavy, creativity can really be another doorway to process grief or our emotions. So, in the process of doing these activities, cutting and arranging, choosing colours or making poetry, suddenly I’m expressing things that maybe I didn’t even know how to say out loud.”

Having seen what Motherless Day can do for participants, Katz and Lewis co-founded the Parentless Club to expand their offerings and help their community grow. They host Fatherless Day events, which involve BBQ, beer and activities such as painting golf balls, plus workshops and pop-ups through the year.

“It isn’t just those big days that people need, it’s the random Tuesday walking down the street,” says Lewis “We often say: it might be old news for other people, but this is part of our lives that we live with and navigate every day.”

Katz says it makes her emotional to think of the responses they’ve received from participants over the years.

“They’re like, ‘I can’t wait for Mother’s Day,’ and that’s a feeling that they never had,” she says. “People are stoked about it, and I’m stoked about it too, because we’ve created this space for them.”