You know when your child’s teacher tells you at conferences, “So-and-so is a joy to have in class?” Your response may be something like, “Um, are you looking at the wrong notes?” It’s a common parenting joke and meme, but you absolutely might not be kidding if your child is anything but joyful when the dismissal bell rings (or following after-school activities). Child psychologists refer to this experience as “post-restraint collapse,” and it’s common (and understandable).
“Post-school restraint collapse is the idea that some children hold themselves together throughout the school day by following rules, managing emotions, navigating social situations, paying attention and generally meeting expectations—and then let it all out once they get home,” Dr. Holly Schiff, Psy.D., a licensed clinical psychologist who treats children, tells Parade.
It can feel a bit unfair. Why is your kid on their best behavior in the classroom, and then you get stuck managing after-school meltdowns? It turns out, it’s a compliment.
“Home is often where they feel safest, so the emotions held in all day can come out as irritability, crying, arguing or a full meltdown,” she says. “It’s not necessarily that the child is ‘behaving worse’ at home. They may simply be out of emotional and mental bandwidth.”
So what should a caregiver do? Child psychologists say the best after-school routine for kids is personalized, but most start with one thing. Below, they reveal their top tip for managing post-classroom meltdowns. Plus, you get a child psychologist’s after-school schedule template.
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The One After-School Rule All 3 Psychologists Agree On
Three child psychologists agree that kids need time to decompress when transitioning from school to home.
According to the psychologists, children hold it together all day and navigate academic, emotional and social pressures. Decompression gives kids a much-needed break, which helps with managing after-school meltdowns.
Why Kids Need a ‘Decompression’ Phase After School
Kids spend all day going from homeroom to math class to gym class to lunch and English, with time for chatter in between. Point blank: “Their nervous system needs time to settle before jumping into the next activity,” emphasizes Caitlin Slavens, BAACS, MC, R Psych, a registered psychologist who’s also the clinic owner and co-founder of Couples to Cradles Counseling.
Dr. Amy Kincaid Todey, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist, compares decompression to a “landing strip between school and home.”
“Children have been performing all day,” she states. “Decompression gives them a period when they don’t immediately have to produce something else.”
Otherwise, the child may instead dive into post-school restraint collapse. Dr. Todey says the best way to decompress depends on the child. It might include:
- A snack
- Sitting quietly
- Drawing
- Reading
- Building with LEGOs
- Shooting hoops
- Playing outside
- Listening to music
- Walking the dog
- Doing puzzles
- Baking or cooking dinner
- Talking to a parent “without being interrogated about the day”
“The important piece is that it’s a predictable break from demands,” Dr. Schiff adds. “Kids generally do better when they know, ‘I get to come home, have a snack and have some time to myself before we move on to the next thing.'”
Also important: Dr. Todey notes that decompression doesn’t have to mean isolation.
“Some of the richest after-school moments happen when parents and children are simply doing something together without an agenda,” she notes.
She shares that psychologists use the word “flow” to describe these periods when we become so immersed in an activity that we temporarily lose track of time.
“Parents and children can experience flow-like moments together during enjoyable shared activities,” Dr. Todey says. “These moments matter partly because the relationship gets to exist without anybody being corrected, evaluated or hurried toward the next accomplishment.”
Dr. Todey notes that sometimes the best question to ask a child after school isn’t “What happened today?” Instead, she says it’s simply, “Want to hang out with me for a little while?”
Can—or should—that hang-out include screens? Indeed, screens can seem like a quick fix for managing after-school meltdowns. Slavens says it depends.
“I don’t believe that screens should be completely off-limits, but I also wouldn’t recommend them as the only way to decompress,” she states. “For some kids, a short show or game can help them decompress, whereas for others, introducing screen time can lead to a second meltdown.”
She says that it’s important to notice how the child reacts when the screen gets turned off.
“The transition is easy for the child to navigate; it may be a useful thing,” she explains. “However, if they are more irritable or dysregulated, it may not be the best choice for a decompression activity.”
Related: We Asked 3 Child Psychologists for the Best Question To Ask Kids at the Dinner Table, and They All Said the Same Thing
Homework vs. Play: Which Should Come First?
Caregivers often debate: Homework vs. play after school: Which should come first? While it’s understandable for parents and other caregivers to want kids to “just get the work out of the way,” Slavens says most children benefit from play (or a snack or some sort of break) before digging into homework.
“It’s a lot to go from six or seven hours at school directly into more sitting and more performance requirements, especially when the child is young or has ADHD, anxiety, sensory sensitivities or learning difficulties,” she explains.
However, she says some kids prefer to do homework first. Dr. Todey agrees.
“Other children do better getting a short homework assignment out of the way because knowing that it is hanging over them creates more stress,” she notes. “The principle I would use is: Recovery before unnecessary demands, but enough predictability that the afternoon doesn’t become chaos.”
Dr. Schiff recommends that caregivers have limits around decompression periods, though.
“The length of the break matters,” she shares. “A 20-30 minute reset is very different from an open-ended afternoon of play that makes homework increasingly difficult to start. The right balance will also depend on the child’s age, temperament, workload and what time they get home.”
A Psychologist-Approved After-School Schedule
Sure, you can find tons of after-school schedule template ideas online. To save you the search and scroll, we got Slavens to share her child psychologist-approved after-school routine.
- The first 15 to 20 minutes after getting home: Offer the child a snack and avoid big demands. “Just let them have a drink, something to eat and get settled into the next part of their day,” Slavens recommends.
- The next 20 to 30 minutes: Have an easy decompression activity, such as being outside, drawing, listening to music, building with LEGOs, moving around or lying down.
- The next 20 to 40 minutes: Homework or other work at a table.
- Free time/kid’s choice: Once homework is done, Slavens says it helps to let kids have free time to spend as they please (within family boundaries).
- Later: Dinner, evening activities and the bedtime routine.
Slavens stresses that this after-school schedule template is a framework, not a cookie-cutter.
“There isn’t a perfect after-school routine,” she explains. “Parents need to consider what their child needs. Is it movement, quiet or connection? Knowing this will help foster the best after-school routine for your child.”
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Sources:
- Dr. Holly Schiff, Psy.D., is a licensed clinical psychologist.
- Dr. Amy Kincaid Todey, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist.
- Caitlin Slavens, BAACS, MC, R Psych, is a registered psychologist, as well as the clinic owner and co-founder of Couples to Cradles Counseling.