Think fast: How well do you know your neighbors? Chances are, you know one another better than you think, even if you’re not the best of friends.
“Neighbors know a lot about our lives just by virtue of living nearby,” Dr. Gayle MacBride, PhD, LP, a psychologist with Veritas Psychology, tells Parade. “We often know what days they go into the office and how late sports practice goes. For many of us, neighbors are the people you call if you need them to grab your mail.”
Or a cup of sugar? Well, let’s not go that far. Dr. MacBride is concerned about the decline of community culture and how it’s affected our relationships with our neighbors over the past few decades, saying hyper-independence and loneliness often go hand in hand. And, as a society, we are lonely. About 1 in 2 Americans reported feeling lonely—and that was before the COVID-19 pandemic, according to research cited in a 2023 U.S. Surgeon General’s “Advisory on the Healing Effects of Social Connection and Community.”
“A sense of belonging in your community is grounding and helps with the human need for social connection, even if those connections aren’t deep,” Dr. MacBride states.
Yet, what’s stopping us from asking for help from—or even to grab a cup of coffee with—a neighbor? And how did we get here in the first place?
Dr. MacBride digs into why people don’t borrow from neighbors anymore. She also shares advice on how to talk to your neighbors to start building local community support.
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The Death of the ‘Cup of Sugar’: When Did Neighborly Borrowing Stop?
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According to the psychologist, there’s no singular reason why people don’t borrow from neighbors, but the elimination of social friction and convenience culture‘s rise, plus the loss of third spaces, have all contributed.
Let’s start with social friction and convenience culture. Convenience stores became more popular after World War II, as suburbanization increased their footprint (and definition of “convenience”) from there.
“Over the last 50 years or so, our lives have become increasingly convenient and in many ways self-contained,” Dr. MacBride explains. “We have seen stores staying open longer, as well as carrying a bigger diversity of products. We began to expect to find those emergency items just about anywhere we went, and we expect those establishments to be open just about anytime we want to frequent them.”
And the internet? That never closes. She shares that the digital age has allowed us to have items delivered right to our doorstep, sometimes on subscription, lowering our threshold of “even having to think about it.”
Plus, we’re relying less on public gathering hubs like coffee shops, leading to a loss of third spaces for meeting and interacting with people.
“We also see people spending more time in private indoor spaces, creating privacy in their yards, and the attached garage has become more common,” she notes. “Each of these factors has played a part in this. We now leave our homes and enter that attached garage, get into our car, and drive our long commute to our office. This narrows the amount of time we spend in common, or shared spaces.”
Dr. MacBride shares that all of these advances in commerce, technology and housing design aren’t bad, per se. In fact?
“Not going to lie, that pet food that shows up at my door each month makes it super easy,” she admits. “Modern living has helped us become really good at solving small problems without involving anyone else—there’s an app for that.”
But some “inconveniences” have silver linings: Connection.
“In removing the friction from these situations, we have also decreased the social bond that came with helping each other out with those million little things that make life together as a community feel so supportive,” she notes.
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The Psychology of Hyper-Independence: Why Asking for Help Feels Hard
Hyper-independence and loneliness are often related, and society and social pressures are frequently in play. Dr. MacBride explains that hyper-independence describes the belief that “I should be able to handle everything myself.” She often hears from clients that they “don’t want to burden or inconvenience others.”
“Today’s culture can imply that if you can’t handle it yourself, you are inadequate,” she explains. “There’s something about the fear of being rejected socially, owing someone something or looking needy that feels really scary to people. So instead, people have learned that self-reliance seems like the safest option.”
But neighborhood connection in psychology is valued for an unexpected reason.
“The irony is that in calculating the social equation this way, we’re focused on the cost to us—vulnerability, uncertainty and maybe a little embarrassment—and we often forget that being asked to help can feel good to the other person,” Dr. MacBride states. “As humans, the other side of the social bond is feeling useful, trusted and connected.”
While independence is healthy, she suggests finding a balance by leaning into interdependence, which occurs when you take care of yourself but allow others to support you when you need it.
“Not being afraid of your own need can build compassion for others when they’re in need, but also says it’s OK not to have it all together all the time,” she says.
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Convenience vs. Connection: How Technology Replaced the Neighborhood
Dr. MacBride notes that technology has made it possible to outsource many tasks. There’s no “need” to borrow a cup of sugar when you can order it on an app and have it delivered within the hour. Same-day delivery can get you a power tool, and you can find details on a new restaurant through online reviews on your phone rather than asking your neighbor if they’ve tried it.
“These are wonderful tools, and I use them all frequently,” she admits. “But there’s also a hidden trade-off to this kind of convenience. When we see technology in the workspace, we’re often worried about the human job cost. The same is true for our communities.”
See, she points out that each time we use technology, we nix the need to ask someone in our community for something. The decline in community culture leads to less connection—and more loneliness.
“Not that a single interaction matters a whole lot, but there’s a cumulative impact,” she says.
Importantly, technology can be used for connection (not just for fighting in the comments). She’s in neighborhood groups that help people find each other.
“I definitely have met neighbors I would not have otherwise if they hadn’t been a part of these groups,” she shares. “So, the question to ask is, ‘Are we using technology to bring us closer or are we using it to distance ourselves or substitute technology for human interaction?'”
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The Mental Health Cost of Losing Your Local Support System
When Dr. MacBride talks to her clients about support systems, she often asks them to name at least five people they can count on for various needs.
“Sometimes the most important aspect of a support system isn’t necessarily how often you use it, but rather knowing that it exists,” she states. “In hyper-independence, we tend to believe that we have to handle everything ourselves. With interdependence, we know that if something happens, I can rely on someone else to show up.”
The psychologist says the world can seem less daunting when we sense we have support available.
“People who don’t have local relationships often struggle a bit more,” she says. “They tell me, ‘I have friends and family, but they live out of state.’ This often creates a sense of loneliness and disconnection. If you need support, they might be hours or days away from being able to help you. You don’t feel as woven into the community.”
Dr. MacBride says you don’t necessarily have to consider your neighbors your best friends—they may be acquaintances at best. But there’s something to be said about seeing a familiar face as you drive or walk down the street.
“The risk of loneliness increases the risk of feeling anonymous or unimportant,” she shares.
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5 Low-Pressure Ways To Rebuild Connection With Your Neighbors
You may be rusty on how to talk to your neighbors—or completely unfamiliar with the practice. It’s understandable, given how society and technology have changed. To help, Dr. MacBride offers low-lift tips on building local community support.
1. Ask for something small
“Seriously, go ask for that proverbial cup of sugar,” Dr. MacBride recommends.
She says it’s a great first step toward creating interdependence. For instance, say you’re out of banana bread and out of sugar. Your neighbor gives you some. Then, you share the finished goodie with them.
“Actually, I sometimes give this as a homework assignment,” the psychologist shares. “Practice asking for things and see if you can get them to tell you no. People are surprised at how often others say yes when they expected to hear no.”
2. Learn your neighbors’ names and use them
Dr. MacBride’s cousin moved to a new neighborhood and kept a diagram of the area with houses drawn on it and names written on the houses.
“This was her tool for learning to keep track of who lived where,” she notes. “It works great because we love to hear someone use our name. It means we’re important when someone calls us by name. As you recognize them, they’re more likely to use your name. Let the social bonding begin.”
3. Give away the extra
If your tomato or pepper plants are overproducing, go ahead and share with a neighbor.
“There is a small interaction that doesn’t put obligation on the other person,” Dr. MacBride says. “It’s a transaction that can happen right now. Instant gratification because they get something they like and weren’t expecting, and we get to see the joy that it brought them.”
4. Spend time in spaces where others can actually see you
Yes, your backyard is an oasis. But admire your curb appeal every so often by sitting on your front porch or terrace if you have one. Wave to people as they walk by. Dr. MacBride says you can also take more walks around the neighborhood or linger outside after gardening instead of rushing back inside once the last weed is pulled.
“Creating opportunities for relationships to happen is important,” she explains. “If we’re never within eyesight, how can we actually get to know each other?”
5. Create a tiny recurring ritual
In Dr. MacBride’s neck of the woods, the ritual is to sit around a fire pit when the weather allows.
“It’s an easy way to invite new people in the neighborhood to come join us—’Wander down when you can’ and ‘Stay as long as you’d like’ are nice low-pressure ways to allow people to opt in,” she says.
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Sources:
- Dr. Gayle MacBride, PhD, LP, is a psychologist with Veritas Psychology.
- Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation: The U.S. Surgeon General’s Advisory on the Healing Effects of Social Connection and Community. (2023) HHS.