My child holds it together at school but falls apart at home. What should I do? | Canada Voices

Ask a Child Psychologist offers insights and advice on navigating youth emotional and mental well–being. It is not a substitute for professional psychological or medical advice.

Since I began writing this column, I have received questions from readers looking for advice about how to support their kids. One parent wrote in with a concern that I suspect resonates with many families: How to deal with a child who appears well-adjusted at school, but struggles with emotional regulation, defiance and intense behaviour at home.

The reader explained that their daughter has been diagnosed as being on the spectrum. At school, she blends in with other kids and no red flags have been raised about her behaviour. But at home, they face struggles with emotional regulation, a lack of interest in other activities, defiance and belligerence.

The reader went on to share that when trying to seek therapy, prices go up to several thousand dollars if they mention autism, adding: “I personally feel that my child needs some sort of emotional therapy, like understanding social cues or regulating emotions, more than any autism-related therapy. She can maintain eye contact, is affectionate, plays with other kids and no one can pinpoint her as the odd one in the group.”

For parents raising neurodivergent children, it is often painful when other people do not see the same struggles they witness privately. The reader’s question raises important issues about autism, masking, disclosure and how to find support that fits the child rather than simply the diagnosis.

To the reader who wrote in, I would offer this advice: One of the most important things to understand is that your daughter’s ability to maintain eye contact, show affection and socialize with peers does not invalidate either her diagnosis or her struggles. A child can be socially connected and still experience significant emotional, sensory or regulatory challenges internally. When choosing the right support for your daughter, trust your instincts about what kind of intervention would help her better understand and manage her emotions.

Here are some things for this reader, and other families in a similar situation, to keep in mind.

Sometimes, the end of the day is when things unravel

It’s not uncommon for teachers to describe a child as happy, social and co-operative at school, while parents experience emotional outbursts, rigidity or defiance at home. Over time, many parents begin asking themselves: “Am I somehow causing this?”

In many cases, the answer is no.

Some children work extraordinarily hard to “hold it together” during the school day. Researchers studying autism use the terms “camouflaging” or “masking” to describe the ways some autistic people consciously or unconsciously hide autistic characteristics, compensate for social difficulties or adapt their behaviour to navigate social situations

At school, there is structure, predictability and external support. Many children carefully monitor themselves throughout the day. By the time they return home, their emotional resources may be depleted.

Canadian counsellor and parenting educator Andrea Loewen Nair coined the term “after-school restraint collapse” to describe what can happen next: A child who has managed the social, sensory and emotional demands of the day unravels once home in a safe environment. Ironically, children often struggle most openly in the places where they feel most secure.

This is one reason why I encourage parents to think less in terms of, “Why is my child behaving this way?” and more in terms of, “What might my child be communicating through this behaviour?”

I also encourage parents to try a “see first, then soothe” approach. This could sound like: “You’ve been holding it together all day,” “I can see that you’re overwhelmed,” or “Something about today felt really hard.”

Only after children feel calmer are they usually able to reflect, problem-solve or regain control.

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Neurodiversity does not look the same in every child

Autism is called a spectrum for a reason. Different brains process information, emotions, sensory experiences and social interactions differently, and those variations do not look the same from one person to another.

Some neurodivergent children struggle socially in visible ways, while others become skilled at masking confusion or overwhelm in public. Some appear socially successful while experiencing significant emotional exhaustion internally.

This is one reason why many parents say: “Nothing I read online sounds like my child.”

Disclosure is complicated

When a child appears socially successful, parents often struggle with whether, when and how to share a diagnosis with schools, extended family members or even the child themselves.

I have written about this question before because disclosure is rarely all-or-nothing. Parents can consider who needs to know, what they need to know and how sharing this information might help. I encourage parents to focus less on the label itself and more on whether disclosure is likely to increase understanding, reduce misinterpretation and lead to appropriate support.

Finding the right kind of support

Parents’ instincts about support are important. Many families feel overwhelmed trying to navigate an expensive and complicated intervention system once a diagnosis is mentioned.

The most important question is not “What therapy is recommended for autism?” but rather “What support would genuinely help this particular child?”

For some children, emotional regulation strategies, counselling, occupational therapy (which can include recommendations for modifying their environment for success) or social-emotional learning support may be more helpful than intensive autism interventions that do not fit the child’s actual presentation.

I encourage parents to trust their observations; they know their children best. What situations overwhelm your child? What happens before they unravel? What helps them recover?

Ultimately, the goal is not to change who our children are, but to help them feel more understood and better able to navigate the parts of their world that are genuinely difficult for them.

Dr. Jillian Roberts is a practicing registered psychologist in British Columbia, Alberta, Ontario, Yukon and the Northwest Territories. She is also a research professor of educational psychology at the University of Victoria. She specializes in child and adolescent development, family therapy and inclusive education.